I work in the communications/marketing segment of our beautiful U.S. economy. It's a rather large and all-encompassing group of people that likes to spend a lot of time getting together telling one another what to do. This typically happens at conferences, lunch and learns, Webinars, etc. I recognize the ridiculousness of these frequent and redundant gatherings, yet am powerless to resist them. (There's usually food.)
I attended two such gatherings today, both conducted by experts on the subject of "social media." And now, after attending literally dozens of educational sessions on this topic, I am struck by one simple fact: There is no such thing as a "social media expert."
Maybe we should stop anointing them.
A social media expert, as far as I can tell, is someone who devotes large chunks of his or her day to surfing the Internet, tweeting, and downloading LOLCats. Then he (or she...but let's get serious, here: they're men) tells others they should be doing the same thing. "You HAVE TO blog; it's essential for your business!" "If you're not on MySpace, the market will leave you behind. It's where everything's happening." "Use these sites, but also find a way to stand out on them; you can't just blend in with the crowd." Or my personal favorite today: "Blogging is just, well, journalism." (Edward R. Murrow turned over in his grave on that one.)
Let me be clear: I don't necessarily disagree with these urgings for communications professionals to embrace social media. Surely a savvy organization will and should find a way to reach its audience on a Web site like Facebook, but I would contend that you shouldn't have to think that hard about how or why you would do it. I would also contend that there are so few success stories in the realm of social media marketing that it is mathematically impossible for the hundreds (if not more) who purport to be experts on this topic to actually exist.
Oh, and if you have to ask what sorts of things you might write about on your blog, you probably DON'T NEED A BLOG.
(*gasp*)
That's right, I said it. No master's degree in Internet marketing for me.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The write stuff
So my husband started a blog. He also totally stole my move by starting his first post with the word "so." My husband has many talents (more than I care to acknowledge sometimes), including but not limited to: making buildings that don't fall down, ensuring offensive linemen can appropriately identify aiming points, and Tecmo Bowl. Oh, and giving his opinion on things. That's a talent we have in common.
I would also include writing as a talent of his. He has a way with words, even if it's not necessarily my way. I can definitely appreciate what he brings to the table when it comes to communicating, even if his communication is fraught with comma splices. (Semicolons for life! Holler at them! Woot! Also: I use cool slang terminology and have never met a parenthetical tangent I didn't like.)
I am fully aware that anything at which I have a talent pales in comparison to pretty much everything my husband does. But can I just have the writing thing? I was pretty much writing a book when I came out of the womb. I earned a journalism degree and people have paid me to write things for them on SEVERAL occasions. You might not know from reading this bullcrap, but I CAN arrange words into sentences in an entertaining manner...and even punctuate them correctly. It's sort of my thing.
And I don't hold anything at all against my husband for trying to do the same thing I do. I'm sure if I decided I wanted to try my hand at diagramming zone blocking schemes, he'd be fully supportive. It's just that...
He's already better at it than I am, and it's giving me a complex.
Well, better is a subjective term. But he's certainly more successful. I've been published on many occasions, but NO ONE has ever read this hot mess upon which you're currently gazing via ESPN.com. My husband writes a blog, and within 24 hours, BLAM: People are telling my father that they saw the link to his son-in-law's blog on ESPN.com.
But yes, I know: The blogosphere is big enough for the both of us.
I'll just be over here with my semicolons.
I would also include writing as a talent of his. He has a way with words, even if it's not necessarily my way. I can definitely appreciate what he brings to the table when it comes to communicating, even if his communication is fraught with comma splices. (Semicolons for life! Holler at them! Woot! Also: I use cool slang terminology and have never met a parenthetical tangent I didn't like.)
I am fully aware that anything at which I have a talent pales in comparison to pretty much everything my husband does. But can I just have the writing thing? I was pretty much writing a book when I came out of the womb. I earned a journalism degree and people have paid me to write things for them on SEVERAL occasions. You might not know from reading this bullcrap, but I CAN arrange words into sentences in an entertaining manner...and even punctuate them correctly. It's sort of my thing.
And I don't hold anything at all against my husband for trying to do the same thing I do. I'm sure if I decided I wanted to try my hand at diagramming zone blocking schemes, he'd be fully supportive. It's just that...
He's already better at it than I am, and it's giving me a complex.
Well, better is a subjective term. But he's certainly more successful. I've been published on many occasions, but NO ONE has ever read this hot mess upon which you're currently gazing via ESPN.com. My husband writes a blog, and within 24 hours, BLAM: People are telling my father that they saw the link to his son-in-law's blog on ESPN.com.
But yes, I know: The blogosphere is big enough for the both of us.
I'll just be over here with my semicolons.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Things at which I suck...
...at least according to my own blog. In lieu of writing something new, here are links to some of my favorite past disaster blog posts. Here's to me sucking at more stuff in 2009 so I can write about it!
Things at which Kate has proven to be exceedingly bad (2005-2008):
1) Sports.
2) Modeling.
3) Reviewing restaurants: See Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
4) Holiday decorating: Two examples...yet again!
5) Placing an order at Starbucks. More than once.
*sigh*
Things at which Kate has proven to be exceedingly bad (2005-2008):
1) Sports.
2) Modeling.
3) Reviewing restaurants: See Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
4) Holiday decorating: Two examples...yet again!
5) Placing an order at Starbucks. More than once.
*sigh*
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Dishing it out.
Lord knows I try, but I admit I'm not the most tolerant person when confronted with poor customer service. Needless to say, I am NOT TOLERANT OF DISH NETWORK. The following was my actual experience today:
My home phone: Ring, ring.
Me: Hello?
Me: Yes?
Me: Hello?
(Why I was so patient I will never know; I usually hang up the second I don't get an immediate response after answering the phone.)
Telemarketer: Yes, may I please speak with Mrs. B?
Me: This is she.
Telemarketer: Oh, yes, hello. How are you?
Me: Fine, thank you.
Telemarketer: Um...I am calling today with Dish Network to thank you for being a loyal customer. Words, words, words...what we would like to do is offer you three free months of HBO and Starz for the holidays. (Insert unnecessarily long explanation of HBO and Starz's programming here.) Do you like movies?
Me: Yes.
Telemarketer: (Insert even more extoling of the virtues of HBO and Starz). The only thing we ask is...
(Here comes the catch.)
Telemarketer, annoyingly shifting gears mid-sentence: Let me first ask you if you are happy with your Dish Network service...
Me: Well, actually; I've been meaning to call and ask when we are going to be offered HD local channels. Your competitors are offering them, and I'd like to know when they will be available through Dish Network. Our price keeps going up, but we're not getting any new channel offerings.
Telemarketer: Um, I will have to refer you to customer service to answer that. Do you have the customer service phone number?
Me: Well, not in front of me...
Telemarketer: Well, all we're asking is that you commit to continuing your Dish Network service for 24 more months and we will activate your free HBO and Starz tonight.
Me: Wait a minute! Commit in what sense?
Telemarketer: Well, we're just asking you to commit to continuing your Dish Network service for 24 more months.
Me: Yes, I heard that part. So is this a binding verbal contract you're asking me to make right now?
Telemarketer: We're just asking you to commit for 24 more months.
(Sigh.)
Me: What would be the penalty if I cancelled my service before 24 months?
Telemarketer: Well, then you'd have to pay $10 a month for the remainder of the contract.
Me: So this is a contract and you would bill me after I removed my service as a penalty for breaking this verbal contract?
Telemarketer: Well...
Telemarketer: We just want to offer you three free months of HBO and Starz, so can I go ahead and sign you up for that?
Me: I just told you that there is no way I would commit to 24 months of Dish Network service if Dish Network isn't willing to commit to providing me with HD local channels. Why would I commit now, especially since you haven't been able to answer my question about that?
Telemarketer: ...
Me: Should I be calling customer service about this? Who can I talk to who would be able to answer my question?
Telemarketer: Yes, um, well that would probably be customer service.
Me: Okay, I'll call them. What's the number? Thank you.
Customer service department's phone: Ring, ring.
Customer service robot: Please state what you want to talk about...you can just say anything!
Me to robot: I received a puzzling telemarketing offer from Dish Network, about which I am seeking clarification from a real person.
(I'm sure that's on the menu.)
Customer service robot: I'm sorry; let me try to understand your issue. Say "billing," "programming," etc.
Me: Sigh. Programming, I guess...
So I get a very nice man in India who wants to know all my customer information. I provide everything, at which point he informs me I am not a customer and asks me what my relationship is with the account holder.
Me: If the account holder is Benjamin, then my relationship is SPOUSE.
Nice but Unhelpful Guy in India: Yes, that's the account holder. Let me see if you are also listed on the account. (typing sound) No, you're not. Therefore, I cannot answer any questions about your account.
Me: Excuse me, what?
Nice but Unhelpful Guy in India: I'm really sorry, but you're not authorized to make any changes on this account.
Me: Okay. First of all, I don't understand why the telemarketer would call and specifically ask ME to enter into a verbal contract on the account if I am not actually the "loyal customer" she said I was. But second, I don't necessarily want to make any changes; I would just like to know if you know anything more about this HBO and Starz offer and what all it entails.
Guy in India: I'm sorry, no. I am not familiar with that offer.
Me: Okay, well do you know if Dish Network is planning to offer my local channels in HD?
Guy in India: Well, you have to have the HD package for that.
Me: I am pretty sure we do. We have the HD DVR and get all the available cable channels in HD...
Guy in India: Oh. Well, for what market do you want to receive local HD channels?
Me: Des Moines, Iowa.
Guy in India: Well, I'm showing that WOI Channel 5 is available in HD. KCCI Channel 8...(rattles off all our local channels accurately, indicating that they are available in HD)
Me: Really? They're available? Are those not automatically included with the HD package?
Guy in India: Well, I can't really tell you because your name isn't on the account.
Me: Seriously? I just want to know how one goes about getting these channels; you can't answer that question for me unless I'm an account holder?
Guy in India: Yes, surely you understand the security concerns that would preclude me from doing that.
(No, I do not. Actually.)
Guy in India: Words, words, words....I think they could help you in technical support.
Me: Okay, then can I speak to someone in technical support?
Guy in India: Sure. Is there anything else I can help you with before I transfer you?
Me: Well, I don't think so; you really haven't been able to answer any of my questions.
Guy in India: Sorry about that. So, is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: Um, yeah...no.
Guy in India: I'm sorry.
Me: It's okay; thank you for transferring me to the technical folks. I'll try them.
(And here's the part where I really start to lose my $hit...)
Tech support rep: This is Jane, how can I help you?
(I try to calmly explain the whole mess again, with probably a modicum of irritation evident in my voice as I explain that I keep getting directed to people who can't help me.)
Tech support rep: Well, I'm afraid I can't help you because your name isn't on the account.
Me, irritated beyond all getout now: That's really frustrating. Why did Dish Network call and ask me to enter into a binding verbal contract on my account if I have no authority to know anything about my account?
Tech support rep, in a super snotty tone: Well, maybe because you were on a MARK-eting list.
Me: Okay, that doesn't make any sense. I just want to know when HD local channels will be offered in the Des Moines market. Pretend I am just Joe Schmo off the street and I want to know about this; what would you tell me?
Tech support rep: Well, I don't work in customer service.
(AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
Me: You have GOT to be kidding me. So, I need to call my husband and ask him to add me to the account just to get you to answer a question about how your product works, huh?
Tech support rep: Yes, I can only speak to you if you're an equal person on the account.
(Perhaps challenging someone's equality as a person is not the most semantically effective way of calming down an angry customer who is actually not a customer.)
Me: I just have to say that I think your customer service is terrible, inconsistent, inefficiently segmented, and completely unhelpful. I will call my husband, have him call Dish Network, and then call you back. Can I get your name so I can call you back so I don't have to re-explain all this to someone else?
Tech support rep: AS I TOLD YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR CALL, MY NAME IS JANE.
(True; she did.)
Jane: And if you call back they will just give you to the first available representative, anyway.
Way too late to make a long story short: I finally got my Dish Network personal equality status and called back to be blessed with the information that I will have to enter into a 24-month contract, anyway, if I want to get my HD local channels, because my equipment needs to be upgraded.
Don't sign up for Dish Network. Just saying.
My home phone: Ring, ring.
Me: Hello?
Me: Yes?
Me: Hello?
(Why I was so patient I will never know; I usually hang up the second I don't get an immediate response after answering the phone.)
Telemarketer: Yes, may I please speak with Mrs. B?
Me: This is she.
Telemarketer: Oh, yes, hello. How are you?
Me: Fine, thank you.
Telemarketer: Um...I am calling today with Dish Network to thank you for being a loyal customer. Words, words, words...what we would like to do is offer you three free months of HBO and Starz for the holidays. (Insert unnecessarily long explanation of HBO and Starz's programming here.) Do you like movies?
Me: Yes.
Telemarketer: (Insert even more extoling of the virtues of HBO and Starz). The only thing we ask is...
(Here comes the catch.)
Telemarketer, annoyingly shifting gears mid-sentence: Let me first ask you if you are happy with your Dish Network service...
Me: Well, actually; I've been meaning to call and ask when we are going to be offered HD local channels. Your competitors are offering them, and I'd like to know when they will be available through Dish Network. Our price keeps going up, but we're not getting any new channel offerings.
Telemarketer: Um, I will have to refer you to customer service to answer that. Do you have the customer service phone number?
Me: Well, not in front of me...
Telemarketer: Well, all we're asking is that you commit to continuing your Dish Network service for 24 more months and we will activate your free HBO and Starz tonight.
Me: Wait a minute! Commit in what sense?
Telemarketer: Well, we're just asking you to commit to continuing your Dish Network service for 24 more months.
Me: Yes, I heard that part. So is this a binding verbal contract you're asking me to make right now?
Telemarketer: We're just asking you to commit for 24 more months.
(Sigh.)
Me: What would be the penalty if I cancelled my service before 24 months?
Telemarketer: Well, then you'd have to pay $10 a month for the remainder of the contract.
Me: So this is a contract and you would bill me after I removed my service as a penalty for breaking this verbal contract?
Telemarketer: Well...
Telemarketer: We just want to offer you three free months of HBO and Starz, so can I go ahead and sign you up for that?
Me: I just told you that there is no way I would commit to 24 months of Dish Network service if Dish Network isn't willing to commit to providing me with HD local channels. Why would I commit now, especially since you haven't been able to answer my question about that?
Telemarketer: ...
Me: Should I be calling customer service about this? Who can I talk to who would be able to answer my question?
Telemarketer: Yes, um, well that would probably be customer service.
Me: Okay, I'll call them. What's the number? Thank you.
Customer service department's phone: Ring, ring.
Customer service robot: Please state what you want to talk about...you can just say anything!
Me to robot: I received a puzzling telemarketing offer from Dish Network, about which I am seeking clarification from a real person.
(I'm sure that's on the menu.)
Customer service robot: I'm sorry; let me try to understand your issue. Say "billing," "programming," etc.
Me: Sigh. Programming, I guess...
So I get a very nice man in India who wants to know all my customer information. I provide everything, at which point he informs me I am not a customer and asks me what my relationship is with the account holder.
Me: If the account holder is Benjamin, then my relationship is SPOUSE.
Nice but Unhelpful Guy in India: Yes, that's the account holder. Let me see if you are also listed on the account. (typing sound) No, you're not. Therefore, I cannot answer any questions about your account.
Me: Excuse me, what?
Nice but Unhelpful Guy in India: I'm really sorry, but you're not authorized to make any changes on this account.
Me: Okay. First of all, I don't understand why the telemarketer would call and specifically ask ME to enter into a verbal contract on the account if I am not actually the "loyal customer" she said I was. But second, I don't necessarily want to make any changes; I would just like to know if you know anything more about this HBO and Starz offer and what all it entails.
Guy in India: I'm sorry, no. I am not familiar with that offer.
Me: Okay, well do you know if Dish Network is planning to offer my local channels in HD?
Guy in India: Well, you have to have the HD package for that.
Me: I am pretty sure we do. We have the HD DVR and get all the available cable channels in HD...
Guy in India: Oh. Well, for what market do you want to receive local HD channels?
Me: Des Moines, Iowa.
Guy in India: Well, I'm showing that WOI Channel 5 is available in HD. KCCI Channel 8...(rattles off all our local channels accurately, indicating that they are available in HD)
Me: Really? They're available? Are those not automatically included with the HD package?
Guy in India: Well, I can't really tell you because your name isn't on the account.
Me: Seriously? I just want to know how one goes about getting these channels; you can't answer that question for me unless I'm an account holder?
Guy in India: Yes, surely you understand the security concerns that would preclude me from doing that.
(No, I do not. Actually.)
Guy in India: Words, words, words....I think they could help you in technical support.
Me: Okay, then can I speak to someone in technical support?
Guy in India: Sure. Is there anything else I can help you with before I transfer you?
Me: Well, I don't think so; you really haven't been able to answer any of my questions.
Guy in India: Sorry about that. So, is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: Um, yeah...no.
Guy in India: I'm sorry.
Me: It's okay; thank you for transferring me to the technical folks. I'll try them.
(And here's the part where I really start to lose my $hit...)
Tech support rep: This is Jane, how can I help you?
(I try to calmly explain the whole mess again, with probably a modicum of irritation evident in my voice as I explain that I keep getting directed to people who can't help me.)
Tech support rep: Well, I'm afraid I can't help you because your name isn't on the account.
Me, irritated beyond all getout now: That's really frustrating. Why did Dish Network call and ask me to enter into a binding verbal contract on my account if I have no authority to know anything about my account?
Tech support rep, in a super snotty tone: Well, maybe because you were on a MARK-eting list.
Me: Okay, that doesn't make any sense. I just want to know when HD local channels will be offered in the Des Moines market. Pretend I am just Joe Schmo off the street and I want to know about this; what would you tell me?
Tech support rep: Well, I don't work in customer service.
(AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
Me: You have GOT to be kidding me. So, I need to call my husband and ask him to add me to the account just to get you to answer a question about how your product works, huh?
Tech support rep: Yes, I can only speak to you if you're an equal person on the account.
(Perhaps challenging someone's equality as a person is not the most semantically effective way of calming down an angry customer who is actually not a customer.)
Me: I just have to say that I think your customer service is terrible, inconsistent, inefficiently segmented, and completely unhelpful. I will call my husband, have him call Dish Network, and then call you back. Can I get your name so I can call you back so I don't have to re-explain all this to someone else?
Tech support rep: AS I TOLD YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR CALL, MY NAME IS JANE.
(True; she did.)
Jane: And if you call back they will just give you to the first available representative, anyway.
Way too late to make a long story short: I finally got my Dish Network personal equality status and called back to be blessed with the information that I will have to enter into a 24-month contract, anyway, if I want to get my HD local channels, because my equipment needs to be upgraded.
Don't sign up for Dish Network. Just saying.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Putting my wheels in the water
This is certainly not the kind of day when a pensive mood would be at all unexpected, but I am basking in it nonetheless.
I woke up this morning with the distinct feeling that my life had changed. I think, and hope, that I probably experience life-changing moments every day, but sometimes those moments are so heavy you can feel them in your body. When you wake they are pressing on your heart and you want to let them out, but the "how" seems so elusive. Twenty-three hours later, I am faced only with the sparkle of rain-kissed window screens and a dimly lit keyboard as I continue to wonder.
This morning as I heard tales of Swahili chants over a mango branch-covered tomb and the shaky voice of a 109-year-old daughter of a slave say she never thought the "colored would rise up," I had hope that for at least one day in this country we could put aside bickering and breathe in what has happened in our world. It goes so far beyond my tremendous pride in a great man, so far beyond the nationwide restoration of faith we feel in America, so far beyond hope for our country to lift itself up. It is men's chants in Britain, children's smiles in Indonesia, and the declaration of a jubilant Kenyan carpenter named Joseph: "If it were possible for me to get to the United States on my bicycle, I would."
I am not sure I can remember a time in my relatively short life that my country has carried the lantern, but I now know it casts a circle of awesome warmth. I am so excited about our opportunity and yet so afraid of not measuring up.
Today I also woke up carrying another life-changing weight: the power of telling the stories of others. I have had wonderful opportunities to do this. In my conversations with an Iraqi parliament member, I saw many shades of gray in a war that had once seemed so black and white to me. From a 13-year-old, I learned that objects aren't important and that selflessness is truly the greatest virtue. Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with a 25-year-old who has been forever changed by a traumatic brain injury but has battled bravely to reclaim a life for himself. Even where justice seems absent, the human spirit is omnipresent. This I have learned in all these experiences.
Last night was one of those rare moments when justice and human spirit collided. And it's the kind of thing that just makes you want to ride your bicycle across the ocean.
I woke up this morning with the distinct feeling that my life had changed. I think, and hope, that I probably experience life-changing moments every day, but sometimes those moments are so heavy you can feel them in your body. When you wake they are pressing on your heart and you want to let them out, but the "how" seems so elusive. Twenty-three hours later, I am faced only with the sparkle of rain-kissed window screens and a dimly lit keyboard as I continue to wonder.
This morning as I heard tales of Swahili chants over a mango branch-covered tomb and the shaky voice of a 109-year-old daughter of a slave say she never thought the "colored would rise up," I had hope that for at least one day in this country we could put aside bickering and breathe in what has happened in our world. It goes so far beyond my tremendous pride in a great man, so far beyond the nationwide restoration of faith we feel in America, so far beyond hope for our country to lift itself up. It is men's chants in Britain, children's smiles in Indonesia, and the declaration of a jubilant Kenyan carpenter named Joseph: "If it were possible for me to get to the United States on my bicycle, I would."
I am not sure I can remember a time in my relatively short life that my country has carried the lantern, but I now know it casts a circle of awesome warmth. I am so excited about our opportunity and yet so afraid of not measuring up.
Today I also woke up carrying another life-changing weight: the power of telling the stories of others. I have had wonderful opportunities to do this. In my conversations with an Iraqi parliament member, I saw many shades of gray in a war that had once seemed so black and white to me. From a 13-year-old, I learned that objects aren't important and that selflessness is truly the greatest virtue. Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with a 25-year-old who has been forever changed by a traumatic brain injury but has battled bravely to reclaim a life for himself. Even where justice seems absent, the human spirit is omnipresent. This I have learned in all these experiences.
Last night was one of those rare moments when justice and human spirit collided. And it's the kind of thing that just makes you want to ride your bicycle across the ocean.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
When it comes to shallow topics, my paranoia strikes deep.
So it's Wednesday, which means I fully descend into my midweek reality television abyss and stew all day about Project Runway. Hooray, intellectualism!
And today I'm worried about my darling Jerell.
In case you missed it, last week's episode of Runway was pure bullcrap. Jerell created an elegant gown while Kenley skinned a barracuda and belted it onto her model, yet there has been no change in the contestant status whatsoever. To summarize: The challenge had no point at all! The judges even went so far as to declare Jerell the challenge winner, yet did not place him in the final three.
I smell a conspiracy.
I know Jerell is a fantastic designer. He has won three challenges and has a flair for the dramatic. Also: I love him! But I will admit that Jerell sometimes lacks the "editing eye" that the Gunnster is always railing about. And if you let him get out of control, Jerell can create, well, kind of a hot mess.
Here is my fear: Jerell is going to show some slightly-out-of-control-yet-potential-filled designs for Bryant Park tonight and the judges (producers) will use it as an excuse to get rid of him. I could be wrong, but I'm worried. Armed with time, Kenley could certainly create some good stuff. And Leanne and Korto are proven talents. But if the point of the show is just to reward the three designers who create the nicest Bryant Park collections, why don't they just make that the format of the show?
And if they did make that the format of the show, I can tell you who would be in the final three: Joe. To the Motherfreaking Faris.
But I digress. The point is that, based upon the established format of the show, Jerell Scott has earned a spot in the final three of Project Runway. And the entire viewing audience has been waiting all season to see Kenley Collins get the auf to end all aufs. The producers are down to ONE LAST CHANCE to make this happen, so they had better make it happen tonight! Dammit.
On a semi-related note, has anyone seen The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo? Hilarious. It's really bad, actually. Don't watch it. Even though it is hilarious. But horrible.
The woman whom Stella hilariously dubbed on Runway "a stylist in an oversized mumu dress with a waistband who doesn't know any better" has her own show/product placement ad for Starbucks. The show consists of the 90-pound 37-year-old who looks 50 running around in oversized belted mumu dresses talking like a valley girl and acting like her life is stressful because she has to pick out dresses for celebrities to wear to awards shows. Seriously. It's really pathetic. And the fact that I wasted 60 minutes watching it and five minutes here writing about it doesn't say much for me. But it's sort of like the MTV show "The Hills." You just need to watch about 20 minutes of one episode to get the point: Our educational and values systems in the United States have officially hit rock bottom.
And I know: Project Runway is a pretty shallow thing to watch. But at least they DO SOMETHING on that show. Like design clothes, which requires talent and ability. They also do other things, like using the Bluefly.com accessory wall and thanking Mood and hollering at their boys. And voting off Jerell! Waaaaah! I'm so paranoid.
Prove me wrong, asshat Bravo producers. Please!
And today I'm worried about my darling Jerell.
In case you missed it, last week's episode of Runway was pure bullcrap. Jerell created an elegant gown while Kenley skinned a barracuda and belted it onto her model, yet there has been no change in the contestant status whatsoever. To summarize: The challenge had no point at all! The judges even went so far as to declare Jerell the challenge winner, yet did not place him in the final three.
I smell a conspiracy.
I know Jerell is a fantastic designer. He has won three challenges and has a flair for the dramatic. Also: I love him! But I will admit that Jerell sometimes lacks the "editing eye" that the Gunnster is always railing about. And if you let him get out of control, Jerell can create, well, kind of a hot mess.
Here is my fear: Jerell is going to show some slightly-out-of-control-yet-potential-filled designs for Bryant Park tonight and the judges (producers) will use it as an excuse to get rid of him. I could be wrong, but I'm worried. Armed with time, Kenley could certainly create some good stuff. And Leanne and Korto are proven talents. But if the point of the show is just to reward the three designers who create the nicest Bryant Park collections, why don't they just make that the format of the show?
And if they did make that the format of the show, I can tell you who would be in the final three: Joe. To the Motherfreaking Faris.
But I digress. The point is that, based upon the established format of the show, Jerell Scott has earned a spot in the final three of Project Runway. And the entire viewing audience has been waiting all season to see Kenley Collins get the auf to end all aufs. The producers are down to ONE LAST CHANCE to make this happen, so they had better make it happen tonight! Dammit.
On a semi-related note, has anyone seen The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo? Hilarious. It's really bad, actually. Don't watch it. Even though it is hilarious. But horrible.
The woman whom Stella hilariously dubbed on Runway "a stylist in an oversized mumu dress with a waistband who doesn't know any better" has her own show/product placement ad for Starbucks. The show consists of the 90-pound 37-year-old who looks 50 running around in oversized belted mumu dresses talking like a valley girl and acting like her life is stressful because she has to pick out dresses for celebrities to wear to awards shows. Seriously. It's really pathetic. And the fact that I wasted 60 minutes watching it and five minutes here writing about it doesn't say much for me. But it's sort of like the MTV show "The Hills." You just need to watch about 20 minutes of one episode to get the point: Our educational and values systems in the United States have officially hit rock bottom.
And I know: Project Runway is a pretty shallow thing to watch. But at least they DO SOMETHING on that show. Like design clothes, which requires talent and ability. They also do other things, like using the Bluefly.com accessory wall and thanking Mood and hollering at their boys. And voting off Jerell! Waaaaah! I'm so paranoid.
Prove me wrong, asshat Bravo producers. Please!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The last three books I've read
30 Ways of Looking at Hillary: Reflections by Women Writers
Edited by Susan Morrison
Copyright 2008
First off, I should mention that I did not caucus for Hillary Clinton. But I cried when she dropped out of the election. The Me Who Doesn't Want to Vote for a Female Candidate Just Because She's a Woman has been at nearly constant odds with the Me Who Really Wants to See a Woman President for more than a year. They say you either love or hate Hillary, but I don't agree. I like her and am as outraged as the next guy by the treatment she has received; I just don't know that we match up all that much in our political views. That is all. None of my opinions about her have anything to do with pantsuits, cookie-baking, or Monica.
I was really interested in reading this book after seeing the editor interviewed on, of all shows, The Colbert Report. I think the subject matter appeals to many of us women who don't know how to feel about Hillary -- who admire her as a fearless female but are not sure how empowering it would be for the first female president to be elected in large part because she was FLOTUS.
Some of the essays included in this book are fairly stupid. I would have expected more from Susan Orlean than to speculate about Hillary's status as either a cat or dog person. (Zzzzzz.) And Robin Givhan's pontification on Hillary's cleavage induced some eye-rolling. (Though it probably is noteworthy to count the references to clothing and fashion in the book, which are pretty telling about how much steeper the climb is for women in politics...would a collection of essays about a male politican EVER include an analysis of his tie collection and how much he should try or not try to be sexy? Don't. Think. So.)
Some of the essays are great. The 30th, "Beyond Gender: The Revenge of the Postmenopausal Woman" by Leslie Bennetts, is the best. I also enjoyed Susan Cheever's analysis of Hillary's self-proclaimed favorite book: Little Women, and Rebecca Mead's examination female presidents in pop culture, including a 1964 movie I'd never heard of called "Kisses for My President," in which Fred MacMurray played the First Husband. Heh.
The book definitely includes a variety of perspectives, but there are lots of common themes -- pantsuits, Maureen Dowd, Monica, academics, the "baking cookies" comment -- that maybe got a little old. I finished the book several months ago, when it was probably more relevant. But if you're interested in feminism or Hillary (this book is not so much about politics), I still think it's worth reading.
Plainsong
By Kent Haruf
Copyright 1999
Whenever I rave about a book to friends or family, they invariably ask me: "Well, what's it about?" This question trips me up. It seems like half the books I really love are difficult to summarize, and Plainsong is certainly no exception. It's basically a story about people who live in the tiny High Plains town of Holt, Colorado, and the way their lives intertwine. Sounds thrilling, I know. But the beauty of this book is truly in its writing. It's more like a beautiful song than a beautiful story. The writing style may at first trouble anal-retentive punctuation sticklers like I Have No Idea Who That Would Be for a few pages, but it quickly wins you over. It's simultaneously one of the simplest and most unique pieces of prose I've ever read.
And it's a quick read because it's nearly impossible to put down.
Can I Keep My Jersey?: 11 Teams, 5 Countries, and 4 Years in my Life as a Basketball Vagabond
By Paul Shirley
Copyright 2007
I should probably first point out that I kind of know the author. We went to college together. I've talked to him a few times and we know a lot of the same people, at least. So the point I'm trying to make is that this book was interesting to me because a lot of the references were familiar.
The book does answer the question of, "What happens when you give a book deal to a sarcastic mechanical engineer with no real writing background?" Answer: He inserts a lot of distracting parenthetical commentary on his own writing ability that should actually just be replaced with real editing and mildly irritates those of us with degrees in writing who have yet to be offered any sort of book-writing opportunity. Also: Someone should have fixed his subject/pronoun agreement errors. Just saying.
Of course I can be jealous of Paul's book deal, but until I have the motivation to actually write a complete book about something people would actually want to read, I can stop whining any time now. Why would anyone offer me the opportunity to write a book about my job? I sit at my desk chewing on pens all day.
And actually, this book is not about me. It's about a relatively well-known former collegiate basketball player who is so obsessed with the idea of playing professional sports that he is willing to upheave his entire life in pursuit of some specific goal that the book doesn't exactly define. (I think he says it's to be an NBA benchwarmer, but since he attained that I would think there would be no need for further life upheaval.) The content is definitely interesting if you can get around the somewhat sloppy presentation. And the writing is pretty good if you can get around the aforementioned parenthetical tangents. Oh yeah, and the extreme negativity.
I'm about as big a fan of sarcastic and/or cynical writing as they come, but the book still troubled me in parts. I don't believe Paul is actually as mean as he sounds in the book, but otherwise I can't really defend some of the insensitive things he says, usually just in passing, about people, usually mentally or physically disabled individuals. Maybe he thinks it's funny...? It's not.
Part of the reason I think a lot of readers, including me, got frustrated with the author is because he discloses in the book his monetary compensation for several of the basketball gigs he whines about ad nauseam. Spoiler alert: In many cases, it's extremely high. I guess I just think that if you're making THAT much money to do something so inconsequential you should have a positive attitude about it. Otherwise, please use your intelligence and education for something that is valuable to society. Like developing vehicles powered by alternative energy sources would be one thing you could do if you were, say, AHEM, a mechanical engineer.
If you are cynical about professional sports (like I definitely am), this book will certainly bolster your cynicism. If you have no interest in or connection to collegiate or professional athletics, you will probably want to pass. Unless you just like reading things written by really negative people.
What's next?
So now it's time to move on to my summer reading. I've got some fluffy stuff (like Turning Tables by Heather & Rose MacDowell and How to Lose Friends & Alienate People by Toby Young) and some heavy books my mom gave me that I've been avoiding to this point because I'm afraid they'll give me nightmares: Infidel by Aayan Hirsi Ali and The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid. I think I'll start with...
Um.
Doesn't David Sedaris have a new book out?
Edited by Susan Morrison
Copyright 2008
First off, I should mention that I did not caucus for Hillary Clinton. But I cried when she dropped out of the election. The Me Who Doesn't Want to Vote for a Female Candidate Just Because She's a Woman has been at nearly constant odds with the Me Who Really Wants to See a Woman President for more than a year. They say you either love or hate Hillary, but I don't agree. I like her and am as outraged as the next guy by the treatment she has received; I just don't know that we match up all that much in our political views. That is all. None of my opinions about her have anything to do with pantsuits, cookie-baking, or Monica.I was really interested in reading this book after seeing the editor interviewed on, of all shows, The Colbert Report. I think the subject matter appeals to many of us women who don't know how to feel about Hillary -- who admire her as a fearless female but are not sure how empowering it would be for the first female president to be elected in large part because she was FLOTUS.
Some of the essays included in this book are fairly stupid. I would have expected more from Susan Orlean than to speculate about Hillary's status as either a cat or dog person. (Zzzzzz.) And Robin Givhan's pontification on Hillary's cleavage induced some eye-rolling. (Though it probably is noteworthy to count the references to clothing and fashion in the book, which are pretty telling about how much steeper the climb is for women in politics...would a collection of essays about a male politican EVER include an analysis of his tie collection and how much he should try or not try to be sexy? Don't. Think. So.)
Some of the essays are great. The 30th, "Beyond Gender: The Revenge of the Postmenopausal Woman" by Leslie Bennetts, is the best. I also enjoyed Susan Cheever's analysis of Hillary's self-proclaimed favorite book: Little Women, and Rebecca Mead's examination female presidents in pop culture, including a 1964 movie I'd never heard of called "Kisses for My President," in which Fred MacMurray played the First Husband. Heh.
The book definitely includes a variety of perspectives, but there are lots of common themes -- pantsuits, Maureen Dowd, Monica, academics, the "baking cookies" comment -- that maybe got a little old. I finished the book several months ago, when it was probably more relevant. But if you're interested in feminism or Hillary (this book is not so much about politics), I still think it's worth reading.
Plainsong
By Kent Haruf
Copyright 1999
Whenever I rave about a book to friends or family, they invariably ask me: "Well, what's it about?" This question trips me up. It seems like half the books I really love are difficult to summarize, and Plainsong is certainly no exception. It's basically a story about people who live in the tiny High Plains town of Holt, Colorado, and the way their lives intertwine. Sounds thrilling, I know. But the beauty of this book is truly in its writing. It's more like a beautiful song than a beautiful story. The writing style may at first trouble anal-retentive punctuation sticklers like I Have No Idea Who That Would Be for a few pages, but it quickly wins you over. It's simultaneously one of the simplest and most unique pieces of prose I've ever read.And it's a quick read because it's nearly impossible to put down.
Can I Keep My Jersey?: 11 Teams, 5 Countries, and 4 Years in my Life as a Basketball Vagabond
By Paul Shirley
Copyright 2007
I should probably first point out that I kind of know the author. We went to college together. I've talked to him a few times and we know a lot of the same people, at least. So the point I'm trying to make is that this book was interesting to me because a lot of the references were familiar.The book does answer the question of, "What happens when you give a book deal to a sarcastic mechanical engineer with no real writing background?" Answer: He inserts a lot of distracting parenthetical commentary on his own writing ability that should actually just be replaced with real editing and mildly irritates those of us with degrees in writing who have yet to be offered any sort of book-writing opportunity. Also: Someone should have fixed his subject/pronoun agreement errors. Just saying.
Of course I can be jealous of Paul's book deal, but until I have the motivation to actually write a complete book about something people would actually want to read, I can stop whining any time now. Why would anyone offer me the opportunity to write a book about my job? I sit at my desk chewing on pens all day.
And actually, this book is not about me. It's about a relatively well-known former collegiate basketball player who is so obsessed with the idea of playing professional sports that he is willing to upheave his entire life in pursuit of some specific goal that the book doesn't exactly define. (I think he says it's to be an NBA benchwarmer, but since he attained that I would think there would be no need for further life upheaval.) The content is definitely interesting if you can get around the somewhat sloppy presentation. And the writing is pretty good if you can get around the aforementioned parenthetical tangents. Oh yeah, and the extreme negativity.
I'm about as big a fan of sarcastic and/or cynical writing as they come, but the book still troubled me in parts. I don't believe Paul is actually as mean as he sounds in the book, but otherwise I can't really defend some of the insensitive things he says, usually just in passing, about people, usually mentally or physically disabled individuals. Maybe he thinks it's funny...? It's not.
Part of the reason I think a lot of readers, including me, got frustrated with the author is because he discloses in the book his monetary compensation for several of the basketball gigs he whines about ad nauseam. Spoiler alert: In many cases, it's extremely high. I guess I just think that if you're making THAT much money to do something so inconsequential you should have a positive attitude about it. Otherwise, please use your intelligence and education for something that is valuable to society. Like developing vehicles powered by alternative energy sources would be one thing you could do if you were, say, AHEM, a mechanical engineer.
If you are cynical about professional sports (like I definitely am), this book will certainly bolster your cynicism. If you have no interest in or connection to collegiate or professional athletics, you will probably want to pass. Unless you just like reading things written by really negative people.
What's next?
So now it's time to move on to my summer reading. I've got some fluffy stuff (like Turning Tables by Heather & Rose MacDowell and How to Lose Friends & Alienate People by Toby Young) and some heavy books my mom gave me that I've been avoiding to this point because I'm afraid they'll give me nightmares: Infidel by Aayan Hirsi Ali and The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid. I think I'll start with...
Um.
Doesn't David Sedaris have a new book out?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Thinking outside the inbox
So I've always wanted to find out exactly who those people are who write the e-mail forwards.
You know the ones I mean: Those messages that say things like "I am proud to be an American and think we should nuke Djibouti and those who don't agree with me can go to hell! If you agree, forward this to 40 people." or "For every person you forward this message to, Bill Gates will send you a $100 gift certificate for Crystal Pepsi." Or whatever. (I know these lose something when translated to a font that is not blue 36-point Comic Sans and without being illustrated by an animated GIF of a bald eagle flapping its wings, but you get the picture.)
I mean, really: Where do these come from? Are the authors 12 years old? In mental institutions? Please help me understand.
And while the authors of these masterpieces have me utterly perplexed, I am also aware that they are far outnumbered by the thousands of people who will willingly forward them without thinking twice (or even once). When did our society come to the consensus that it's okay to "say" whatever you want as long as you didn't write it and are just, to quote Michael Scott in The Office, "forwarding like it's hot...f-f-forwarding it like it's hot?"
I seriously doubt my co-workers would consider it acceptable for me to fire off an e-mail to them saying, "Remember the days when women stayed at home and raised their children? Wasn't that great? And don't you think the federal government should stop spending money to rebuild the communities of those whiny Hurricane Katrina victims? Boy, they have a lot of nerve. Forward this to 10 people."
I can pretty confidently say this would be considered inappropriate and my co-workers would, at minimum, think I was crazy. Probably worst case scenario, one of them would sue me for harrassment. But contrast: If I simply forward an e-mail containing these sentiments, they magically become okay regardless of truth, tact, or tolerance. Not okay to me, that is. But apparently okay to most people.
In fact, I've learned that some people even consider it their patriotic duty to forward such e-mails, even if they don't necessarily agree with them. Also: I have learned that you are not allowed to question or even comment upon the content because, hey: The sender didn't write it! They're just forwarding it! You should also be warned, if you haven't been already, that just because the person who forwards you an e-mail is one of the most intelligent, accomplished individuals you know IT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING. I think we've all learned that the hard way: Inboxus Megastupidius can literally afflict anyone at any time.
But, I'm sorry: In my opinion, the act of forwarding intolerant or otherwise stupid e-mails at least creates the illusion that the sender supports their content, if not serves as a full-fledged endorsement. I know, I know, but I don't care if that wasn't your intent; I'm just telling you how it is. I would love to start a movement to dispel the notions that: A) people are in any way obligated to forward all their e-mails; and B) people should not be held accountable for views expressed in the e-mails they send. Even ones written in 36-point blue Comic Sans and decorated with animated GIFs that were written by 12-year-olds in mental institutions. Sorry, dudes.
Maybe I should create an e-mail expressing my views and start forwarding it around. I hear if I send it to at least 10 people I will probably win a Disney vacation, or at least a Cracker Barrel voucher. From Warren Buffett, who planted an e-mail tracking device in the message.
Hey, I didn't make the rules. Al Gore did, when he invented the Internet. At least that's what he claims, the pretentious bastard. Didn't you get the e-mail about that?
You know the ones I mean: Those messages that say things like "I am proud to be an American and think we should nuke Djibouti and those who don't agree with me can go to hell! If you agree, forward this to 40 people." or "For every person you forward this message to, Bill Gates will send you a $100 gift certificate for Crystal Pepsi." Or whatever. (I know these lose something when translated to a font that is not blue 36-point Comic Sans and without being illustrated by an animated GIF of a bald eagle flapping its wings, but you get the picture.)
I mean, really: Where do these come from? Are the authors 12 years old? In mental institutions? Please help me understand.
And while the authors of these masterpieces have me utterly perplexed, I am also aware that they are far outnumbered by the thousands of people who will willingly forward them without thinking twice (or even once). When did our society come to the consensus that it's okay to "say" whatever you want as long as you didn't write it and are just, to quote Michael Scott in The Office, "forwarding like it's hot...f-f-forwarding it like it's hot?"
I seriously doubt my co-workers would consider it acceptable for me to fire off an e-mail to them saying, "Remember the days when women stayed at home and raised their children? Wasn't that great? And don't you think the federal government should stop spending money to rebuild the communities of those whiny Hurricane Katrina victims? Boy, they have a lot of nerve. Forward this to 10 people."
I can pretty confidently say this would be considered inappropriate and my co-workers would, at minimum, think I was crazy. Probably worst case scenario, one of them would sue me for harrassment. But contrast: If I simply forward an e-mail containing these sentiments, they magically become okay regardless of truth, tact, or tolerance. Not okay to me, that is. But apparently okay to most people.
In fact, I've learned that some people even consider it their patriotic duty to forward such e-mails, even if they don't necessarily agree with them. Also: I have learned that you are not allowed to question or even comment upon the content because, hey: The sender didn't write it! They're just forwarding it! You should also be warned, if you haven't been already, that just because the person who forwards you an e-mail is one of the most intelligent, accomplished individuals you know IT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING. I think we've all learned that the hard way: Inboxus Megastupidius can literally afflict anyone at any time.
But, I'm sorry: In my opinion, the act of forwarding intolerant or otherwise stupid e-mails at least creates the illusion that the sender supports their content, if not serves as a full-fledged endorsement. I know, I know, but I don't care if that wasn't your intent; I'm just telling you how it is. I would love to start a movement to dispel the notions that: A) people are in any way obligated to forward all their e-mails; and B) people should not be held accountable for views expressed in the e-mails they send. Even ones written in 36-point blue Comic Sans and decorated with animated GIFs that were written by 12-year-olds in mental institutions. Sorry, dudes.
Maybe I should create an e-mail expressing my views and start forwarding it around. I hear if I send it to at least 10 people I will probably win a Disney vacation, or at least a Cracker Barrel voucher. From Warren Buffett, who planted an e-mail tracking device in the message.
Hey, I didn't make the rules. Al Gore did, when he invented the Internet. At least that's what he claims, the pretentious bastard. Didn't you get the e-mail about that?
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Ten reasons I'm excited about summer
1. My 8th wedding anniversary.
On December 24, 1998, Ben asked me to marry him. I did my best to ruin this romantic moment, just like I ruin most romantic moments, by being sick and whiny and basically refusing to go along with his plan to drive me to another city and propose on the street in front of the coffee house where we had our first date when we were 17. Just like living with me today, it took a monumental effort on his part. But he saw it through. On July 8, we will celebrate eight years of him putting up with me. I hope he still thinks it's worth the effort.
2. Farmer's Market.
Last Saturday was opening weekend of the downtown Des Moines Farmer's Market, but I missed it because: A) I was hung over from my 30th birthday party the previous night; B) I needed to go out of town for another 30th birthday party; and C) it was raining. This morning was quite the opposite in the weather and hangover-ness departments, and I scored six basil plants, a 4 oz. tub of chevre, and a big ole container of homemade peanut butter while parting with only 10 big ones. Five more months of this ahead. Yayskee.
3. August at the lake.
Gluttony and sloth! Also: Folksy Wisconsin accents!
4. Driving in the country with the windows rolled down.
You can't do it in the wintertime in Awa, but I love this. Especially accompanied by really loud driving-appropriate music like John Butler Trio, the Dixie Chicks, or pretty much any good rock album. I love driving almost as much as I love music, so the two make a great combo in my book; too bad driving is a worse habit than eating red meat or smoking Pall Malls. Thank goodness I've never done either of those last two things.
5. The students are gone, so I can find a parking spot on campus.
Enough said there.
6. Baseball games.
I will not watch them on TV unless it's the World Series and one of the teams I like (which is pretty much just the Red Sox, Brewers, or Royals...I'll admit I'm not such a loyal fan) is participating, but I will attend just about any live baseball game. I can swill beers and heckle Blue with the best of them. Also, I am excellent at eating peanuts and wearing caps.
7. Golf season.
This one is actually kind of a good/bad: If I could play golf once a week during the summer, I'd be happy. But I happen to be married to someone who could play 36 holes every day and not get the teeniest bit bored with it. So I tend to spend a little too much time alone (which for me is saying a lot, because I do loves me some alone time) or getting dragged out to golf courses in oppressive heat that I don't really want to experience during the summer months.
8. Festivals.
The Des Moines Arts Festival, the different cultural festivals they put on downtown, and this year we will also have the 80/35 Music Festival! I don't know what it is I like so much about festivals...they're just so darned festive.
9. I don't typically go to bed at 9 p.m. like a total loser in the summertime. I might even stay up til, like, 11 o'clock!
I am so impressive.
10. Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream.
After four years hocking Blizzards at the college town DQ, I'm just paying back the Dairy Queen employees of the world when I breeze into the drive-thru at 10:29 p.m. Sorry, kids.
On December 24, 1998, Ben asked me to marry him. I did my best to ruin this romantic moment, just like I ruin most romantic moments, by being sick and whiny and basically refusing to go along with his plan to drive me to another city and propose on the street in front of the coffee house where we had our first date when we were 17. Just like living with me today, it took a monumental effort on his part. But he saw it through. On July 8, we will celebrate eight years of him putting up with me. I hope he still thinks it's worth the effort.
2. Farmer's Market.
Last Saturday was opening weekend of the downtown Des Moines Farmer's Market, but I missed it because: A) I was hung over from my 30th birthday party the previous night; B) I needed to go out of town for another 30th birthday party; and C) it was raining. This morning was quite the opposite in the weather and hangover-ness departments, and I scored six basil plants, a 4 oz. tub of chevre, and a big ole container of homemade peanut butter while parting with only 10 big ones. Five more months of this ahead. Yayskee.
3. August at the lake.
Gluttony and sloth! Also: Folksy Wisconsin accents!
4. Driving in the country with the windows rolled down.
You can't do it in the wintertime in Awa, but I love this. Especially accompanied by really loud driving-appropriate music like John Butler Trio, the Dixie Chicks, or pretty much any good rock album. I love driving almost as much as I love music, so the two make a great combo in my book; too bad driving is a worse habit than eating red meat or smoking Pall Malls. Thank goodness I've never done either of those last two things.
5. The students are gone, so I can find a parking spot on campus.
Enough said there.
6. Baseball games.
I will not watch them on TV unless it's the World Series and one of the teams I like (which is pretty much just the Red Sox, Brewers, or Royals...I'll admit I'm not such a loyal fan) is participating, but I will attend just about any live baseball game. I can swill beers and heckle Blue with the best of them. Also, I am excellent at eating peanuts and wearing caps.
7. Golf season.
This one is actually kind of a good/bad: If I could play golf once a week during the summer, I'd be happy. But I happen to be married to someone who could play 36 holes every day and not get the teeniest bit bored with it. So I tend to spend a little too much time alone (which for me is saying a lot, because I do loves me some alone time) or getting dragged out to golf courses in oppressive heat that I don't really want to experience during the summer months.
8. Festivals.
The Des Moines Arts Festival, the different cultural festivals they put on downtown, and this year we will also have the 80/35 Music Festival! I don't know what it is I like so much about festivals...they're just so darned festive.
9. I don't typically go to bed at 9 p.m. like a total loser in the summertime. I might even stay up til, like, 11 o'clock!
I am so impressive.
10. Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream.
After four years hocking Blizzards at the college town DQ, I'm just paying back the Dairy Queen employees of the world when I breeze into the drive-thru at 10:29 p.m. Sorry, kids.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Mushrooms, excavators, and play-in games
Okay, so I hinted at but did not necessarily promise a story about snarfing down fried mushrooms a few posts back. Hold on to your nipples: I am now delivering on said quasi-promise.
This story isn't actually so much about snarfing fried mushrooms as it is about my home city and its attempts to be kinda sorta big-ish. In some respects, my city has delivered. I mean, there was the whole New York Times article thing. And the documented witnesssing of actual Des Moines tourism. And I'm definitely jazzed about the upcoming 80/35 Music Festival. And there's Wells Fargo Arena, where I went to see Bon Jovi play last Sunday night (and also saw an arena football game Saturday night, but that's another story).
I'll admit that a Bon Jovi concert isn't exactly the hippest thing in the world and that, due to inate hickishness that I swear is beyond our control, Iowans perhaps get a little overly excited about such an event. But for argument's sake let's just agree that the Bon Jovi concert could be classified into the category of major, sold-out, arena rock concert featuring internationally famous act...the kind they have in a place like Madison Square Garden all the time.
I posted on my work blog last month about Des Moines' recent hosting of the NCAA women's basketball tourament's first and second rounds at Wells Fargo Arena and how I thought the city did an excellent job:
"When I was traversing the Des Moines skywalk system
to get to my media credential distribution volunteer post
last Friday morning, I tried to see the city I call home through
the eyes of our visitors. And I’ll tell you this: If it were my
first time in Des Moines, I’d be pretty impressed. For players,
a gym is a gym. But for fans and other dignitaries, it’s sure
nice to be in a community that supports and appreciates
women’s college basketball and that has culture, dining, and
first-class accommodations all within walking distance of an
excellent venue."
I wasn't the only one who felt this way. The Des Moines Register spent the following Sunday salivating over the prospects of hosting more important rounds of the women's tournament at WFA in future years. Or hosting early rounds of the men's tournament in Des Moines. "At least take the play-in game away from Dayton and give it to us," they cried.
And I was on the bandwagon (not about the play-in game because, seriously: The play-in game?). But you know, we do have a great setup for a major basketball championship event. Why not Des Moines?, I thought.
I'll tell you why not; there's one simple reason. And that reason is Zimm's Food and Spirits.
My companions and I ended up at this den of iniquity after our pre-concert libation attempts in the vicinity of the arena went horribly awry. Every single person who was out and about in downtown Des Moines last Sunday night was going to the Bon Jovi concert. (This also means, of course, that on Sunday nights when there isn't a Bon Jovi concert the downtown is basically dead.) We literally attempted to dine at every restaurant/bar/whatever you'd call Spaghetti Works within 12 blocks of the arena and struck out repeatedly (all the while shielding our eyes from road construction-related sediment flying through the air and walking around equipment being operated by people who didn't seem to understand why there were so many damn people out on Court Avenue that night anyway), forcing us to retrieve my illegally parked Honda and head away from downtown as quickly as possible while our available minutes til Daughtry (MTD) dwindled. We started down Ingersoll Ave., finding two-hour waits at Wellman's Pub and the Star Bar. We drove by a Dairy Queen and wished it were open. I was just about to suggest the Baker's Cafeteria when Amy saw it, beckoning from the left side of the road like a dirty hitchhiker with a neon Budweiser sign around his neck: Zimm's Food and Spirits!
"Yeeeeaaaaaah, Bon Jovi!," some drunk guys shrieked at us as we circumnavigated Zimm's patio and breezed into the entrance. We were delighted to find available seating in the bar. After 15 minutes of pleading (at least as best as one can plead to a person who is streaking past her at mach 7, trying not to make any eye contact) we procured our own menus from the wait station and our own beer from the bartender. "Good food takes time," the menu read. How long for bad food, we wondered. (Answer: 20 minutes.) Once the lone Zimm's waitress finally arrived at our table she scoffed at our suggestion that maybe we could get something to eat before the Bon Jovi concert started. We opted instead for Zimm's fastest appetizers (including fried mushrooms) and departed Zimm's at about 10 MTD, which only made us about 10 minutes late for the concert.
Des Moines, you know I love ya. But next time I go to one of your big concerts I think I'll eat a popsicle and the broken bits from the bottom of my Doritos bag before I leave the house. I know I'm not any more likely to eat at Zimm's again than I am to pay $14 for an arena cheeseburger.
They were kinda decent mushrooms.
This story isn't actually so much about snarfing fried mushrooms as it is about my home city and its attempts to be kinda sorta big-ish. In some respects, my city has delivered. I mean, there was the whole New York Times article thing. And the documented witnesssing of actual Des Moines tourism. And I'm definitely jazzed about the upcoming 80/35 Music Festival. And there's Wells Fargo Arena, where I went to see Bon Jovi play last Sunday night (and also saw an arena football game Saturday night, but that's another story).
I'll admit that a Bon Jovi concert isn't exactly the hippest thing in the world and that, due to inate hickishness that I swear is beyond our control, Iowans perhaps get a little overly excited about such an event. But for argument's sake let's just agree that the Bon Jovi concert could be classified into the category of major, sold-out, arena rock concert featuring internationally famous act...the kind they have in a place like Madison Square Garden all the time.
I posted on my work blog last month about Des Moines' recent hosting of the NCAA women's basketball tourament's first and second rounds at Wells Fargo Arena and how I thought the city did an excellent job:
"When I was traversing the Des Moines skywalk system
to get to my media credential distribution volunteer post
last Friday morning, I tried to see the city I call home through
the eyes of our visitors. And I’ll tell you this: If it were my
first time in Des Moines, I’d be pretty impressed. For players,
a gym is a gym. But for fans and other dignitaries, it’s sure
nice to be in a community that supports and appreciates
women’s college basketball and that has culture, dining, and
first-class accommodations all within walking distance of an
excellent venue."
I wasn't the only one who felt this way. The Des Moines Register spent the following Sunday salivating over the prospects of hosting more important rounds of the women's tournament at WFA in future years. Or hosting early rounds of the men's tournament in Des Moines. "At least take the play-in game away from Dayton and give it to us," they cried.
And I was on the bandwagon (not about the play-in game because, seriously: The play-in game?). But you know, we do have a great setup for a major basketball championship event. Why not Des Moines?, I thought.
I'll tell you why not; there's one simple reason. And that reason is Zimm's Food and Spirits.
My companions and I ended up at this den of iniquity after our pre-concert libation attempts in the vicinity of the arena went horribly awry. Every single person who was out and about in downtown Des Moines last Sunday night was going to the Bon Jovi concert. (This also means, of course, that on Sunday nights when there isn't a Bon Jovi concert the downtown is basically dead.) We literally attempted to dine at every restaurant/bar/whatever you'd call Spaghetti Works within 12 blocks of the arena and struck out repeatedly (all the while shielding our eyes from road construction-related sediment flying through the air and walking around equipment being operated by people who didn't seem to understand why there were so many damn people out on Court Avenue that night anyway), forcing us to retrieve my illegally parked Honda and head away from downtown as quickly as possible while our available minutes til Daughtry (MTD) dwindled. We started down Ingersoll Ave., finding two-hour waits at Wellman's Pub and the Star Bar. We drove by a Dairy Queen and wished it were open. I was just about to suggest the Baker's Cafeteria when Amy saw it, beckoning from the left side of the road like a dirty hitchhiker with a neon Budweiser sign around his neck: Zimm's Food and Spirits!
"Yeeeeaaaaaah, Bon Jovi!," some drunk guys shrieked at us as we circumnavigated Zimm's patio and breezed into the entrance. We were delighted to find available seating in the bar. After 15 minutes of pleading (at least as best as one can plead to a person who is streaking past her at mach 7, trying not to make any eye contact) we procured our own menus from the wait station and our own beer from the bartender. "Good food takes time," the menu read. How long for bad food, we wondered. (Answer: 20 minutes.) Once the lone Zimm's waitress finally arrived at our table she scoffed at our suggestion that maybe we could get something to eat before the Bon Jovi concert started. We opted instead for Zimm's fastest appetizers (including fried mushrooms) and departed Zimm's at about 10 MTD, which only made us about 10 minutes late for the concert.
Des Moines, you know I love ya. But next time I go to one of your big concerts I think I'll eat a popsicle and the broken bits from the bottom of my Doritos bag before I leave the house. I know I'm not any more likely to eat at Zimm's again than I am to pay $14 for an arena cheeseburger.
They were kinda decent mushrooms.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Pretty much the same, but with normal hair
When I was about 11 years old, I was SO going to grow up to be Mrs. Jon Bongiovi. I was convinced that New Jersey had to be about the coolest place in the world to live. And yes, I recorded the "I'll Be There for You" music video on my parents' VCR and watched it back in slow motion. Many times. I just loved when Jon tossed his 80s metal mane and crooned that when I got drunk, he'd be the wine. Like that isn't a stupid lyric or something. And like I even knew what that meant in 1989.Then there was a period of time during my adolescence and high school days when I was far too deep and artistic to be a bubble gum Bon Jovi fan. So I developed a similar devotion to 90s grunge bands, particularly Nirvana. The first full-fledged concert I ever attended was Nirvana at Palmer Auditorium in Davenport, Iowa -- a few months before Kurt Cobain committed suicide, actually. I was 16. Kurt dumped a bottle of water on me and my friend, Cyndy, and we vowed never to wash the shirts we were wearing again. I mean, probably if I still had that shirt the Smithsonian would be beating down my door right now. (In my own defense, may I just say that my friend Amy has a similar story about Joey from New Kids on the Block spraying her with a garden hose at the Iowa State Fair? So yeah.)
I guess I still thought Jon Bon was cute in the 90s and all. It's just that I preferred more cerebral song lyrics, like "Oh well, whatever, nevermind" to stuff like "Remember at the prom that night? You and me, we had a fight."
So last night's Bon Jovi concert at Wells Fargo Arena was all about indulging my 12-year-old self. And let me just tell you: My 12-year-old self had pretty good taste in hotties. Why is it that men seem to get better looking with age? Because the man is seriously more gorgeouser than ever.
The aforementioned Amy contacted me a loooong time ago about getting tickets to this show, and I'm so glad she did. We didn't spring for the $110+ floor seats, but we still had a decent view among the sellout crowd. The setlist was pretty much perfect for me (possibly excepting the omission of "Lay Your Hands on Me"). Amy really wanted to hear the songs from the movie Young Guns, dating back to her obsession with Emilio Estevez and the time she and her friends were frequent watchers of Young Guns and were pretty sure they spotted Emilio at a McDonald's in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and OH MY GOD they picked up a quarter he dropped on the floor. (See: EVERY woman my age has an embarrassing 80s and/or 90s celebrity crush story! Also: I just can't resist telling Amy's hilarious stories because they are so perfect. And she will probably kill me after she reads this.)
Like everyone else, my favorite Bon Jovi song is "Livin' on a Prayer," so I was 99.9% confident I would get to hear it. And of course I did.
The opening act, which started before we arrived at the concert due to extenuating circumstances which involve me snarfing down a bowl of deep fried mushrooms in 6 minutes and dust particles clouding my retinas and which prove downtown Des Moines is not fully equipped to handle major volumes of event traffic that I may or may not share in more detail later, was Daughtry. I'll admit I had to use the Google to figure out who this cat was before I went to the show, but I'll say he wasn't half bad. In a sad commentary on my aging, my favorite selections from Daughtry ended up being when he played about 1/4 of Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" and most of Filter's "Hey Man, Nice Shot." I also noticed several teenagers swooning over Daughtry like he were Jon Bon Jovi or something. I mean, that was weird.
So, I would just like to thank Amy, Kim, Deborah, and my evening at Wells Fargo Arena for reminding me just what a dorky child I was and for giving me the opportunity, under the cover of darkness in Section 307, to revisit the complicated series of hand gestures I once created to go along with the song Bad Medicine.
Shake it up.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Finally, another blog-worthy Starbucks moment!
This occurred at approximately 7:30 a.m. Wednesday at the flaky Ames Starbucks:
Starbucks employee, shouting into the intercom before I am even pulled up all the way to the shout box: Well, well, how are we this morning?
Me: Um...I'm fine. (Reluctantly:) How are you?
Starbucks employee: We are doing very well on this fine Wednesday morning.
This very pretentious use of "we" has already thoroughly irritated me, long before the employee even gets to the part where he starts confusing me for a man and foisting unwanted banana bread on me. See below.
Me: Uh. That's good.
Starbucks employee: Hey, have you tried our new skinny lattes? They are quite delicious and come in a variety of flavors. I can get one for you in any size, sir.
Sir? Seriously? Have you ever heard my voice? I sound like a lot of things, but I don't sound like a man.
Me (completely caught off-guard): What? No. I, uhm, I just want a grande regular coffee. Black. Please.
Starbucks employee: We also have a blend from Guatemala and a ramalamadingdong brew and someotherwhatchyamacallit brew.
Me: Okay, fine. (Jeebus.) Give me the Guatemalan coffee.
I've been to Guatemala, I reason, and they do have delicious coffee.
Starbucks employee: All right then; what size?
I hate it when they are so immersed in the concept of suggestive selling and cross-promotional hoopla that they fail to listen to you. And when I say "they" and "you," I mean "we."
Me: That was a grande.
I've gotten over my phobia of calling it "grande," but I still don't like it. Just shoot me if I ever start saying "We'd like a grande," though.
Starbucks employee: Did you want cream and sugar?
Me: Nope!
Didn't I also already say "black?" Ugh.
Starbucks employee: Can I get you anything else?
Me: No...
Starbucks employee: How about a piece of banana bread?
At this point, I seriously want to kill this guy. Doesn't he realize I haven't had MY COFFEE yet this morning?
Me: NO, THANK YOU!
The good news for the guy who took my order is that he was not also manning the drive-thru window. Instead I gave my money to a woman with dyed black hair who didn't speak. But it was good Guatemalan coffee. I'll give them that.
Starbucks employee, shouting into the intercom before I am even pulled up all the way to the shout box: Well, well, how are we this morning?
Me: Um...I'm fine. (Reluctantly:) How are you?
Starbucks employee: We are doing very well on this fine Wednesday morning.
This very pretentious use of "we" has already thoroughly irritated me, long before the employee even gets to the part where he starts confusing me for a man and foisting unwanted banana bread on me. See below.
Me: Uh. That's good.
Starbucks employee: Hey, have you tried our new skinny lattes? They are quite delicious and come in a variety of flavors. I can get one for you in any size, sir.
Sir? Seriously? Have you ever heard my voice? I sound like a lot of things, but I don't sound like a man.
Me (completely caught off-guard): What? No. I, uhm, I just want a grande regular coffee. Black. Please.
Starbucks employee: We also have a blend from Guatemala and a ramalamadingdong brew and someotherwhatchyamacallit brew.
Me: Okay, fine. (Jeebus.) Give me the Guatemalan coffee.
I've been to Guatemala, I reason, and they do have delicious coffee.
Starbucks employee: All right then; what size?
I hate it when they are so immersed in the concept of suggestive selling and cross-promotional hoopla that they fail to listen to you. And when I say "they" and "you," I mean "we."
Me: That was a grande.
I've gotten over my phobia of calling it "grande," but I still don't like it. Just shoot me if I ever start saying "We'd like a grande," though.
Starbucks employee: Did you want cream and sugar?
Me: Nope!
Didn't I also already say "black?" Ugh.
Starbucks employee: Can I get you anything else?
Me: No...
Starbucks employee: How about a piece of banana bread?
At this point, I seriously want to kill this guy. Doesn't he realize I haven't had MY COFFEE yet this morning?
Me: NO, THANK YOU!
The good news for the guy who took my order is that he was not also manning the drive-thru window. Instead I gave my money to a woman with dyed black hair who didn't speak. But it was good Guatemalan coffee. I'll give them that.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Anatomy of the world's worst college bowl picks
The law of averages would suggest that one has a 50 percent chance of correctly selecting the winner of a given college bowl game, even if one has no knowledge whatsoever of college football and blindly guesses the outcome. Why, then, do you suppose it is that I have been correct on less than half of this year's games? I now submit, for your entertainment and education, an actual example of how a person can do THIS poorly in a college bowl pick'em. It's scary, I know...
Poinsettia Bowl, Navy* vs. Utah -- I picked the Midshipmen here. They only lost by a field goal, but I was still wrong. I think the logic was related to the fact that Navy had killed Army in the last game of the season, but I don't really know what I was thinking. 0-1.
New Orleans Bowl, Memphis* vs. Florida Atlantic -- You guessed it, I picked Memphis. I need to remember that, when you don't really know which team to pick YOU ALWAYS PICK THE FLORIDA SCHOOL. 0-2.
Papajohns.com Bowl, Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati* -- Here's where I made my big rebound and finally got one right. 1-2.
New Mexico Bowl, Nevada vs. New Mexico* -- Okay, that one was easy. Of course you pick New Mexico to win the NEW MEXICO Bowl. 2-2 at this point.
Las Vegas Bowl, UCLA* vs. BYU -- I almost lucked into being correct on this one, but UCLA was a stupid pick. I think I had an over-inflated opinion of the Pac-10 (See disastrous Holiday Bowl pick below.) 2-3.
Hawai'i Bowl, Boise State* vs. East Carolina -- Okay, NO ONE picked ECU. Give me a break on this one. 2-4.
Motor City Bowl, Purdue vs. Central Michigan* -- I picked Central Michigan. Oops. I think proximity to home and my tendency to think the Big Ten is too slow to win bowl games resulted in my wrong choice here. Also, I forgot Brian Kelly didn't coach CMU anymore. Okay, I didn't -- but it sounds like a good excuse. 2-5.
Holiday Bowl, Arizona State* vs. Texas -- Wrong again. I picked ASU because all I heard about all year was how wonderful they were. I will also take the liberty here of using the excuse that I was in Italy when Iowa State played Texas and was unable to witness for myself exactly how bad they annihilated us. I'm an idiot; 2-6.
Champs Sports Bowl, Boston College* vs. Michigan State -- The general strategy of picking against the Big Ten pays off here as I move to an impressive 3-6.
Texas Bowl, TCU* vs. Houston -- I think the fact that I mentally associate TCU with Texas Bowl victories, seeing whereas it earned one against my team in 2005 (boo), led me to the correct choice. Hot damn! 4-6! P.S. If I never hear TCU's train whistle again it will be too soon.
Emerald Bowl, Maryland vs. Oregon State* -- The fact that I watched the Beavers beat the Ducks at the end of the season probably made me think they were better than they actually are, but I did correctly guess that they would take down the Turtles. Also, I am a resident of Beaverdale and have a sweet foam Oregon State beaver hat, so I felt an obligation to select the Beavs. Just saying. 5-6...creeping up on .500!
Meineke Car Care Bowl, Connecticut* vs. Wake Forest -- I know Jim Grobe is a fantastic coach, but I let emotion get in the way of my pick as my friend's nephew is the UConn QB. I picked the Huskies and paid the price. 5-7.
Liberty Bowl, Central Florida* vs. Mississippi State -- I thought picking Florida schools was supposed to be a good strategy. Bah. 5-8.
Alamo Bowl, Penn State* vs. Texas A&M -- Finally. A bowl that I felt confident about picking and ended up being correct about. All was right with the world on December 29. Maybe I will be right again by next Dec. 29. Sigh. 6-8.
Independence Bowl, Colorado* vs. Alabama -- Ray, when someone asks you if you Colorado is going to overcome Dan Hawkins and win a football game you say NO. I would just like to say in my own defense that this was a stupid game. 6-9.
Armed Forces Bowl, California* vs. Air Force -- To be honest, I thought I had picked Air Force until I looked on my pick sheet and saw that I was accidentally correct. Go me. 7-9.
Humanitarian Bowl, Georgia Tech* vs. Fresno State -- I can honestly say I have no idea what I was thinking when I picked Georgia Tech. 7-10.
Sun Bowl, South Florida* vs. Oregon -- Who actually knew that Oregon's replacement for Dennis Dixon was going to be halfway decent? Not this chick. 7-11.
Music City Bowl, Insight Bowl, Chick-fil-A Bowl, Outback Bowl, Cotton Bowl, and Gator Bowl -- I got SIX BOWLS IN A ROW correct! The strategy here was to pick three Big 12 teams and three SEC teams as these are in my opinion the best two conferences in the country this year. I am thoroughly impressed with myself. 13-11!
Capital One Bowl, Florida* vs. Michigan -- This was not my fault. Good for Lloyd Carr, I guess. 13-12.
Rose Bowl, Illinois vs. USC* -- To quote my brother on Christmas to our Illini-fan relatives: "I give them a 3 percent chance." I don't believe there was anyone in America who disagreed with that assessment, including Illinois fans. 14-12, but did I really deserve a point for that?
Sugar Bowl, Hawai'i* vs. Georgia -- This was probably my stupidest pick. Why I got suckered into believing that Hawai'i had a good shot here I do not know. I award me no points, and may God have mercy on my soul. 14-13.
Fiesta Bowl, Oklahoma* vs. West Virginia -- I hate you, Oklahoma. 14-14.
Orange Bowl, Kansas vs. Virginia Tech* -- This one really makes me kick myself. I was one of Kansas' biggest defenders all year. I said I thought they'd win 3 of 5 against Missouri because they have a better defense and speculated that they would have beaten OU in the Big 12 title game. Yet, what do I do on the bowl picks? Let the skeptics get inside my head and pick Virginia Tech. Second dumbest pick. 14-15.
With three games to go, I am counting on Rutgers, Bowling Green, and LSU. Since Rutgers and LSU are both heavily favored, I have a chance to finish 16-16. But I'm not holding my breath. Attaining mediocrity is not my strong suit.
Poinsettia Bowl, Navy* vs. Utah -- I picked the Midshipmen here. They only lost by a field goal, but I was still wrong. I think the logic was related to the fact that Navy had killed Army in the last game of the season, but I don't really know what I was thinking. 0-1.
New Orleans Bowl, Memphis* vs. Florida Atlantic -- You guessed it, I picked Memphis. I need to remember that, when you don't really know which team to pick YOU ALWAYS PICK THE FLORIDA SCHOOL. 0-2.
Papajohns.com Bowl, Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati* -- Here's where I made my big rebound and finally got one right. 1-2.
New Mexico Bowl, Nevada vs. New Mexico* -- Okay, that one was easy. Of course you pick New Mexico to win the NEW MEXICO Bowl. 2-2 at this point.
Las Vegas Bowl, UCLA* vs. BYU -- I almost lucked into being correct on this one, but UCLA was a stupid pick. I think I had an over-inflated opinion of the Pac-10 (See disastrous Holiday Bowl pick below.) 2-3.
Hawai'i Bowl, Boise State* vs. East Carolina -- Okay, NO ONE picked ECU. Give me a break on this one. 2-4.
Motor City Bowl, Purdue vs. Central Michigan* -- I picked Central Michigan. Oops. I think proximity to home and my tendency to think the Big Ten is too slow to win bowl games resulted in my wrong choice here. Also, I forgot Brian Kelly didn't coach CMU anymore. Okay, I didn't -- but it sounds like a good excuse. 2-5.
Holiday Bowl, Arizona State* vs. Texas -- Wrong again. I picked ASU because all I heard about all year was how wonderful they were. I will also take the liberty here of using the excuse that I was in Italy when Iowa State played Texas and was unable to witness for myself exactly how bad they annihilated us. I'm an idiot; 2-6.
Champs Sports Bowl, Boston College* vs. Michigan State -- The general strategy of picking against the Big Ten pays off here as I move to an impressive 3-6.
Texas Bowl, TCU* vs. Houston -- I think the fact that I mentally associate TCU with Texas Bowl victories, seeing whereas it earned one against my team in 2005 (boo), led me to the correct choice. Hot damn! 4-6! P.S. If I never hear TCU's train whistle again it will be too soon.
Emerald Bowl, Maryland vs. Oregon State* -- The fact that I watched the Beavers beat the Ducks at the end of the season probably made me think they were better than they actually are, but I did correctly guess that they would take down the Turtles. Also, I am a resident of Beaverdale and have a sweet foam Oregon State beaver hat, so I felt an obligation to select the Beavs. Just saying. 5-6...creeping up on .500!
Meineke Car Care Bowl, Connecticut* vs. Wake Forest -- I know Jim Grobe is a fantastic coach, but I let emotion get in the way of my pick as my friend's nephew is the UConn QB. I picked the Huskies and paid the price. 5-7.
Liberty Bowl, Central Florida* vs. Mississippi State -- I thought picking Florida schools was supposed to be a good strategy. Bah. 5-8.
Alamo Bowl, Penn State* vs. Texas A&M -- Finally. A bowl that I felt confident about picking and ended up being correct about. All was right with the world on December 29. Maybe I will be right again by next Dec. 29. Sigh. 6-8.
Independence Bowl, Colorado* vs. Alabama -- Ray, when someone asks you if you Colorado is going to overcome Dan Hawkins and win a football game you say NO. I would just like to say in my own defense that this was a stupid game. 6-9.
Armed Forces Bowl, California* vs. Air Force -- To be honest, I thought I had picked Air Force until I looked on my pick sheet and saw that I was accidentally correct. Go me. 7-9.
Humanitarian Bowl, Georgia Tech* vs. Fresno State -- I can honestly say I have no idea what I was thinking when I picked Georgia Tech. 7-10.
Sun Bowl, South Florida* vs. Oregon -- Who actually knew that Oregon's replacement for Dennis Dixon was going to be halfway decent? Not this chick. 7-11.
Music City Bowl, Insight Bowl, Chick-fil-A Bowl, Outback Bowl, Cotton Bowl, and Gator Bowl -- I got SIX BOWLS IN A ROW correct! The strategy here was to pick three Big 12 teams and three SEC teams as these are in my opinion the best two conferences in the country this year. I am thoroughly impressed with myself. 13-11!
Capital One Bowl, Florida* vs. Michigan -- This was not my fault. Good for Lloyd Carr, I guess. 13-12.
Rose Bowl, Illinois vs. USC* -- To quote my brother on Christmas to our Illini-fan relatives: "I give them a 3 percent chance." I don't believe there was anyone in America who disagreed with that assessment, including Illinois fans. 14-12, but did I really deserve a point for that?
Sugar Bowl, Hawai'i* vs. Georgia -- This was probably my stupidest pick. Why I got suckered into believing that Hawai'i had a good shot here I do not know. I award me no points, and may God have mercy on my soul. 14-13.
Fiesta Bowl, Oklahoma* vs. West Virginia -- I hate you, Oklahoma. 14-14.
Orange Bowl, Kansas vs. Virginia Tech* -- This one really makes me kick myself. I was one of Kansas' biggest defenders all year. I said I thought they'd win 3 of 5 against Missouri because they have a better defense and speculated that they would have beaten OU in the Big 12 title game. Yet, what do I do on the bowl picks? Let the skeptics get inside my head and pick Virginia Tech. Second dumbest pick. 14-15.
With three games to go, I am counting on Rutgers, Bowling Green, and LSU. Since Rutgers and LSU are both heavily favored, I have a chance to finish 16-16. But I'm not holding my breath. Attaining mediocrity is not my strong suit.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Dear People from Other States:
I understand why you may not like Iowa's first-in-the-nation caucuses. I can respect the arguments for modifying the process. A civilized debate about this is important and should continue, as far as I'm concerned.
What I do not appreciate are the baseless attacks on my state. PLEASE stop calling us idiots standing in corners who are unqualified to select candidates. Anyone who would make such a statement is clearly not any more qualified to stand in the corner of a school gymnasium than I am. When exactly did our little purple state become a haven for the uneducated? And when did the rest of the country become so thoroughly uneducated about Iowa, for that matter? Iowans, for the most part, think independently and critically and are motivated by the same things the rest of the country's population is motivated by. One defining difference may be that Iowans are exceedingly humble; indeed this attribute is both a blessing and a curse (a curse in that it makes others quite convinced that there is definitely nothing special about us). So while as an Iowan I may be somewhat humble and maybe a little behind on the fashion trends, last time I checked my body was not covered in scales nor were there antennae protruding from my scalp.
National Public Radio interviewed a woman from Clinton, Iowa, who went to see every candidate, Republican and Democratic, before deciding to support John Edwards in the Iowa Caucus. How can you question her commitment to researching her decision? Iowans read the candidates' books; we attend their presentations and share meals with them; we ask them questions; and we take (well, sometimes we let it roll to answering machine...) their hundreds upon hundreds (upon hundreds) of phone calls. The amount of time, energy, and mental anguish I devoted to the process of deciding whom to support in the caucus this year deserves a little more respect than people calling me an ignorant hick. I have stood in rooms in which I could barely move my arms, praying the entire time that I didn't have a claustrophobic panic attack, to hear candidates. I have sat in 100 degree heat and stood in below zero wind chills. On the same NPR program, I heard about a man who got special permission from the hospital to discharge his ailing 87-year-old wife for the evening so she could caucus for Hillary Clinton. We are not playing around out here; while you may not like our choices, you should respect our dedication to the process. It's there. Trust me.
Sometimes I wonder if those critics on the coasts understand how much information we're armed with in the decision-making process. Perhaps they think we're making our selections based on watching the same talking head television programs or reading the newspapers that are their only source of candidate information. Learning about the candidates is an intensive experience in Iowa.
As I was walking into a post-caucus party last night, an older black gentleman put his arm around me, a younger white woman, and told me simply how proud he was to be an Iowan.
So on a Friday morning in my little corner of the hayseed metropolis, I, too, am proud to be an Iowan. PROUD, I tell you.
How's that for humble?
On to New Hampshire!
What I do not appreciate are the baseless attacks on my state. PLEASE stop calling us idiots standing in corners who are unqualified to select candidates. Anyone who would make such a statement is clearly not any more qualified to stand in the corner of a school gymnasium than I am. When exactly did our little purple state become a haven for the uneducated? And when did the rest of the country become so thoroughly uneducated about Iowa, for that matter? Iowans, for the most part, think independently and critically and are motivated by the same things the rest of the country's population is motivated by. One defining difference may be that Iowans are exceedingly humble; indeed this attribute is both a blessing and a curse (a curse in that it makes others quite convinced that there is definitely nothing special about us). So while as an Iowan I may be somewhat humble and maybe a little behind on the fashion trends, last time I checked my body was not covered in scales nor were there antennae protruding from my scalp.
National Public Radio interviewed a woman from Clinton, Iowa, who went to see every candidate, Republican and Democratic, before deciding to support John Edwards in the Iowa Caucus. How can you question her commitment to researching her decision? Iowans read the candidates' books; we attend their presentations and share meals with them; we ask them questions; and we take (well, sometimes we let it roll to answering machine...) their hundreds upon hundreds (upon hundreds) of phone calls. The amount of time, energy, and mental anguish I devoted to the process of deciding whom to support in the caucus this year deserves a little more respect than people calling me an ignorant hick. I have stood in rooms in which I could barely move my arms, praying the entire time that I didn't have a claustrophobic panic attack, to hear candidates. I have sat in 100 degree heat and stood in below zero wind chills. On the same NPR program, I heard about a man who got special permission from the hospital to discharge his ailing 87-year-old wife for the evening so she could caucus for Hillary Clinton. We are not playing around out here; while you may not like our choices, you should respect our dedication to the process. It's there. Trust me.
Sometimes I wonder if those critics on the coasts understand how much information we're armed with in the decision-making process. Perhaps they think we're making our selections based on watching the same talking head television programs or reading the newspapers that are their only source of candidate information. Learning about the candidates is an intensive experience in Iowa.
As I was walking into a post-caucus party last night, an older black gentleman put his arm around me, a younger white woman, and told me simply how proud he was to be an Iowan.
So on a Friday morning in my little corner of the hayseed metropolis, I, too, am proud to be an Iowan. PROUD, I tell you.
How's that for humble?
On to New Hampshire!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The Crispy Crunch of Victory
The time of year has now arrived during which I spend most hours of most days thinking about eating. It makes sense for me to be thinking about this on the eve of my favorite holiday: Thanksgiving, which I don't celebrate for the pillage and genocide but for the food, family, and football (easily my three favorite f words).
I don't want to be thinner," one of my friends said the other day. "I just want my friends to be fatter." This sounds a little anti-feminist at first blush (okay, at second blush, too...) but I understand the general sentiment. I certainly wish some of my friends enjoyed eating as much as I did. I often wonder if other people have wild fantasies that involve Northern Prairie chevre, rare filet mignon, lobster bisque soup, butterscotch cream pie, and caprese salad like I do.
But as a strength and conditioning coach once told my offensive lineman husband when he was struggling to get up to Big 12 size: "You've gotta eat to win." I'm not sure that the "eat to win" philosophy applies to twentysomething-year-old Web editors (or former offensive linemen who now work as construction managers) who mainly sit on their expanding butts all day, but Ben and I frequently tell each other, through stuffed mouths spraying out specks of pizza crust, "EHHHT TO WHHMM!" The good news is that we also both like to work out, so although we certainly aren't skinny we aren't approaching Mangino status. (Note: Perhaps we should aspire to attain Mangino status. I mean, it's probably not a coincidence that he's 10-0, if you know what I mean.)
Hey, we're eating to win over here. Don't hate.
So today I celebrate you, Thanksgiving, oh holiday for fat kids! Tomorrow I pull the three bags of cranberries out of my fridge and begin making the magic happen. Once I get to my mom and dad's house Thursday, I plan to set up my gravy I.V. so that it's ready in time for the Packers game. (The AHEM, NINE AND ONE Packers game...the Pack has been eating to win, too, it seems.) Then we're going to the in-laws' for pie. Pie, pie, pie. I'm not mad at pie.
I should probably also point out that there will be wine. Just saying.
I don't want to be thinner," one of my friends said the other day. "I just want my friends to be fatter." This sounds a little anti-feminist at first blush (okay, at second blush, too...) but I understand the general sentiment. I certainly wish some of my friends enjoyed eating as much as I did. I often wonder if other people have wild fantasies that involve Northern Prairie chevre, rare filet mignon, lobster bisque soup, butterscotch cream pie, and caprese salad like I do.
But as a strength and conditioning coach once told my offensive lineman husband when he was struggling to get up to Big 12 size: "You've gotta eat to win." I'm not sure that the "eat to win" philosophy applies to twentysomething-year-old Web editors (or former offensive linemen who now work as construction managers) who mainly sit on their expanding butts all day, but Ben and I frequently tell each other, through stuffed mouths spraying out specks of pizza crust, "EHHHT TO WHHMM!" The good news is that we also both like to work out, so although we certainly aren't skinny we aren't approaching Mangino status. (Note: Perhaps we should aspire to attain Mangino status. I mean, it's probably not a coincidence that he's 10-0, if you know what I mean.)
Hey, we're eating to win over here. Don't hate.
So today I celebrate you, Thanksgiving, oh holiday for fat kids! Tomorrow I pull the three bags of cranberries out of my fridge and begin making the magic happen. Once I get to my mom and dad's house Thursday, I plan to set up my gravy I.V. so that it's ready in time for the Packers game. (The AHEM, NINE AND ONE Packers game...the Pack has been eating to win, too, it seems.) Then we're going to the in-laws' for pie. Pie, pie, pie. I'm not mad at pie.
I should probably also point out that there will be wine. Just saying.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
It's like the paparazzi, but for innocent college students!
Yes, he sort of sounded like a screaming hillbilly. But I'm gonna throw a couple quarters in the snap cup this week for Mike Gundy.
Writing a totally unprovoked, mean-spirited column filled with conjecture about a college student is bush league, and Jenni Carlson deserved to be called on the carpet. Last time I checked, "The Oklahoman" was not a junior high gossip column.
I just hope Carlson gets as much criticism for her ridiculous article as Gundy has gotten for raising his voice (okay, maybe it was a little more than raising his voice) at a press conference. But there's honor in defending your players; I don't see a whole lot of honor in what Carlson wrote about Gundy's player.
As a woman with an interest/background in sports journalism, I'm all the more annoyed and embarrassed that the columnist in question is female. If Jenni Carlson wants to write a gossip column, she should go get a job at the National Enquirer or go post on some Internet fan message boards. Because that's really all the "journalism" in question is good for. Maybe she can join the idiots on the ISU message boads who enjoyed posting online last season that they caught so-and-so being happy, sometimes even in a watering hole, after a loss. Pretty sure all of those people, including Jenni Carlson, have never played college sports in their lives. But hey! They're breathing, so they have the right to judge.
If I had a son, I'll tell you this: I would have no qualms about sending him to play for Mike Gundy. In his own saliva-laden way, Gundy proved on Saturday that protecting and respecting his players is the most important thing to him.
I know pretty much everyone in the whole entire world is trying to make it otherwise, but I still believe in my heart that college sports -- like college -- are about learning, developing as a person, and making mistakes. I am certainly glad that when I was a college student I didn't have someone like Jenni Carlson following me around with a notebook writing down if my parents were giving me chicken or making a notation if I smiled at what she felt was an inappropriate time.
A good kid like Bobby Reid doesn't deserve what Jenni Carlson did to him. His every move doesn't automatically become everyone's business just because he wears on OSU jersey on Saturdays. Have a little respect, and you'll get it in return. I'm sure Oklahoma State University isn't particularly pleased with Mike Gundy's choice of forum or tone of voice in addressing his issue with Jenni Carlson, but I bet this got her attention more than a sternly-worded e-mail. People seem to forget that her column is the print equivalent of a screaming (not to mention, in this case, lying) tirade that is open for everyone in the public to absorb. Mike Gundy just wanted a chance to rebut in an equally public forum. And now that he's all over YouTube, I think he got his wish.
That's called being a player-focused coach. And even if it's not so elegant, it's still something to admire.
Writing a totally unprovoked, mean-spirited column filled with conjecture about a college student is bush league, and Jenni Carlson deserved to be called on the carpet. Last time I checked, "The Oklahoman" was not a junior high gossip column.
I just hope Carlson gets as much criticism for her ridiculous article as Gundy has gotten for raising his voice (okay, maybe it was a little more than raising his voice) at a press conference. But there's honor in defending your players; I don't see a whole lot of honor in what Carlson wrote about Gundy's player.
As a woman with an interest/background in sports journalism, I'm all the more annoyed and embarrassed that the columnist in question is female. If Jenni Carlson wants to write a gossip column, she should go get a job at the National Enquirer or go post on some Internet fan message boards. Because that's really all the "journalism" in question is good for. Maybe she can join the idiots on the ISU message boads who enjoyed posting online last season that they caught so-and-so being happy, sometimes even in a watering hole, after a loss. Pretty sure all of those people, including Jenni Carlson, have never played college sports in their lives. But hey! They're breathing, so they have the right to judge.
If I had a son, I'll tell you this: I would have no qualms about sending him to play for Mike Gundy. In his own saliva-laden way, Gundy proved on Saturday that protecting and respecting his players is the most important thing to him.
I know pretty much everyone in the whole entire world is trying to make it otherwise, but I still believe in my heart that college sports -- like college -- are about learning, developing as a person, and making mistakes. I am certainly glad that when I was a college student I didn't have someone like Jenni Carlson following me around with a notebook writing down if my parents were giving me chicken or making a notation if I smiled at what she felt was an inappropriate time.
A good kid like Bobby Reid doesn't deserve what Jenni Carlson did to him. His every move doesn't automatically become everyone's business just because he wears on OSU jersey on Saturdays. Have a little respect, and you'll get it in return. I'm sure Oklahoma State University isn't particularly pleased with Mike Gundy's choice of forum or tone of voice in addressing his issue with Jenni Carlson, but I bet this got her attention more than a sternly-worded e-mail. People seem to forget that her column is the print equivalent of a screaming (not to mention, in this case, lying) tirade that is open for everyone in the public to absorb. Mike Gundy just wanted a chance to rebut in an equally public forum. And now that he's all over YouTube, I think he got his wish.
That's called being a player-focused coach. And even if it's not so elegant, it's still something to admire.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
My quotable husband
"People are stupid. If I were the Fifth Element I wouldn't have sacrificied myself for the world."
"I'm NOT smokin' the Kool-Aid."
"That guy couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel."
"Why would I want to smoke pot? Pot gives you two things: a headache and the munchies. I get that going to work."
(said as a Talking Heads song came on the radio) "Oooh, is this Megadeth?"
(said on air) "Well, it's a beautiful scene here today at Floyd Casey Stadium. The 12 Baylor fans who showed up are all holding up their arms in a bear claw saluting them team, doing a hand gesture like all these stupid Texas schools do."
"I'm NOT smokin' the Kool-Aid."
"That guy couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel."
"Why would I want to smoke pot? Pot gives you two things: a headache and the munchies. I get that going to work."
(said as a Talking Heads song came on the radio) "Oooh, is this Megadeth?"
(said on air) "Well, it's a beautiful scene here today at Floyd Casey Stadium. The 12 Baylor fans who showed up are all holding up their arms in a bear claw saluting them team, doing a hand gesture like all these stupid Texas schools do."
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Scratching my dumb jock itch
There's this thing about me that has caused in my life both physical and emotional pain, a number of hits to my pocketbook, a severe depletion of my available time, and even a modicum of guilt. It's dirty, but it's not-so-secret.
I am a sports fan.
I really don't think of myself as unintelligent or even boring. But consider the evidence: I watch the NFL Network. I will willingly accompany you to any live baseball game -- ANY baseball game. I play golf. I watch golf. I read sports message boards and blogs. I can calculate a goalkeeper's save percentage and a softball pitcher's ERA. I eat walking tacos. I know that Niagara University's mascot is the Purple Eagles -- the horrors!
Among other types of nerdiness (grammar, civics, and sense of humor come to mind...I embrace them all), I am indeed a total sports nerd.
I have friends who have zero interest in sports and, quite frankly, little understanding of sports nerds like me who do. To these people and other acquaintences who run scared when I start talking about assist-to-turnover ratios or Brett Favre's retirement, I am some sort of meat-headed simpleton who blathers fruitlessly about the alleged drama and intrigue of the physical struggle. It definitely makes me feel just a little stupid. And today I would just like to thank the world of sports for making all those people just a little bit more correct about me and how incredibly stupid it is to be a sports fan.
Sports were the reason my husband received a college education. He was good at them, one in particular, and so he didn't have to pay college tuition for five years. For beating his head, chest, arms, mangled fingers, and strained knees as hard as possible into another man 45 times in front of screaming crowds of 40,000 who could be bothered to leave their beer bongs in the minivan and stumble into the stadium, he became a construction engineer. This, I'm sorry, is stupid. (By the way, his knee hurts. Does anyone responsible want to help pay our acupuncture bill?)
People were engrossed in the NBA finals last season only to discover last week that the outcome was more than likely rigged by a crooked referee. This is stupid.
People are dressing up their children in Michael Vick jersies because he is someone worth admiring due to his ability to spin away from linebackers downfield. All the while, he is torturing and killing dogs. Sick and stupid.
Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig can't decide how to feel about Barry Bonds being on the cusp of breaking Hank Aaron's home run record and the rest of the country is subjected to news reports about whether or not Selig will come to Bonds' games, get his picture taken with him, or get warm fuzzies about what under any other circumstances would be the sports story of the decade. Meanwhile, Barry Bonds is probably on steroids (would people care that he is probably on steroids if he wasn't also an a$$hole, I wonder?) but no one can prove it and so he just keeps on playing while everyone declares that his accomplishments are tainted. Really, really intensely stupid.
But here's the problem. The life lessons many high schoolers, and even college students, learn from being part of athletics are not stupid. They learn to work as a team, to overcome adversity, to face their fears. They learn to balance their time and believe in themselves. And that's something to be admired -- something beautiful. But dangle a few dollars in front of someone's nose and who knows what he or she will do. Even if it shrinks his penis and shortens his lifespan, an athlete will shoot drugs in his arm. And trust me, I get it: When sports aren't about personal growth and achievement and pushing oneself, they're about getting paid and being famous. And whether it's because this is actually getting worse or just because I am growing more cynical with age, an awareness of this reality is becoming more and more abundant in my brain.
And it makes me like it less and less every day.
Just not enough to not still be a nerd.
I am a sports fan.
I really don't think of myself as unintelligent or even boring. But consider the evidence: I watch the NFL Network. I will willingly accompany you to any live baseball game -- ANY baseball game. I play golf. I watch golf. I read sports message boards and blogs. I can calculate a goalkeeper's save percentage and a softball pitcher's ERA. I eat walking tacos. I know that Niagara University's mascot is the Purple Eagles -- the horrors!
Among other types of nerdiness (grammar, civics, and sense of humor come to mind...I embrace them all), I am indeed a total sports nerd.
I have friends who have zero interest in sports and, quite frankly, little understanding of sports nerds like me who do. To these people and other acquaintences who run scared when I start talking about assist-to-turnover ratios or Brett Favre's retirement, I am some sort of meat-headed simpleton who blathers fruitlessly about the alleged drama and intrigue of the physical struggle. It definitely makes me feel just a little stupid. And today I would just like to thank the world of sports for making all those people just a little bit more correct about me and how incredibly stupid it is to be a sports fan.
Sports were the reason my husband received a college education. He was good at them, one in particular, and so he didn't have to pay college tuition for five years. For beating his head, chest, arms, mangled fingers, and strained knees as hard as possible into another man 45 times in front of screaming crowds of 40,000 who could be bothered to leave their beer bongs in the minivan and stumble into the stadium, he became a construction engineer. This, I'm sorry, is stupid. (By the way, his knee hurts. Does anyone responsible want to help pay our acupuncture bill?)
People were engrossed in the NBA finals last season only to discover last week that the outcome was more than likely rigged by a crooked referee. This is stupid.
People are dressing up their children in Michael Vick jersies because he is someone worth admiring due to his ability to spin away from linebackers downfield. All the while, he is torturing and killing dogs. Sick and stupid.
Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig can't decide how to feel about Barry Bonds being on the cusp of breaking Hank Aaron's home run record and the rest of the country is subjected to news reports about whether or not Selig will come to Bonds' games, get his picture taken with him, or get warm fuzzies about what under any other circumstances would be the sports story of the decade. Meanwhile, Barry Bonds is probably on steroids (would people care that he is probably on steroids if he wasn't also an a$$hole, I wonder?) but no one can prove it and so he just keeps on playing while everyone declares that his accomplishments are tainted. Really, really intensely stupid.
But here's the problem. The life lessons many high schoolers, and even college students, learn from being part of athletics are not stupid. They learn to work as a team, to overcome adversity, to face their fears. They learn to balance their time and believe in themselves. And that's something to be admired -- something beautiful. But dangle a few dollars in front of someone's nose and who knows what he or she will do. Even if it shrinks his penis and shortens his lifespan, an athlete will shoot drugs in his arm. And trust me, I get it: When sports aren't about personal growth and achievement and pushing oneself, they're about getting paid and being famous. And whether it's because this is actually getting worse or just because I am growing more cynical with age, an awareness of this reality is becoming more and more abundant in my brain.
And it makes me like it less and less every day.
Just not enough to not still be a nerd.
Monday, July 23, 2007
What would you do in this situation?
A totally random guy you've never met is standing at a conference social with his back to you, wearing some khaki slacks that have, printed on a sticker that starts around mid-butt cheek and continues down to mid-thigh, 36x32 36x32 36x32, 36x32 (etc., etc., you get the picture) affixed to it. Do you:
a) walk up to the guy and discreetly tell him that he might want to go in the bathroom and check his butt for extraneous size-revealing labels
b) walk up behind the guy, reach down, and nonchalantly remove the sticker from his butt (at the risk, of course, of him noticing that you are touching his derierre and either a -- getting the wrong idea or b -- suing you for sexual harrassment)
c) sit in the corner and mock him while also acknowledging that this sort of thing could certainly happen to you or anyone for that matter, except maybe Val Kilmer, and feel just a leetle bit bad for him before you go back to heartily laughing at this situation and later feeling validated in your decision because the guy turned out to be sort of pretentious but at the same time you still felt sort of bad for not telling him but also feeling quite torn because you're not sure what you would prefer to have happen if you were the person who had your pants size affixed to your booty in front of a bunch of strangers who are probably laughing at/feeling sorry for you but since you have a sense of humor you would probably want someone to tell you but then again maybe not and mmmmm, Heineken.
I chose C. Probably not the right answer. But seriously! What do you do?
P.S. I would have chosen option A if he had been female. I think.
a) walk up to the guy and discreetly tell him that he might want to go in the bathroom and check his butt for extraneous size-revealing labels
b) walk up behind the guy, reach down, and nonchalantly remove the sticker from his butt (at the risk, of course, of him noticing that you are touching his derierre and either a -- getting the wrong idea or b -- suing you for sexual harrassment)
c) sit in the corner and mock him while also acknowledging that this sort of thing could certainly happen to you or anyone for that matter, except maybe Val Kilmer, and feel just a leetle bit bad for him before you go back to heartily laughing at this situation and later feeling validated in your decision because the guy turned out to be sort of pretentious but at the same time you still felt sort of bad for not telling him but also feeling quite torn because you're not sure what you would prefer to have happen if you were the person who had your pants size affixed to your booty in front of a bunch of strangers who are probably laughing at/feeling sorry for you but since you have a sense of humor you would probably want someone to tell you but then again maybe not and mmmmm, Heineken.
I chose C. Probably not the right answer. But seriously! What do you do?
P.S. I would have chosen option A if he had been female. I think.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
This is why I'm never bored
I can read my diary from 8th grade, which I found in a box this weekend, and be endlessly amused by the points it proves. Some examples.
Proof that middle school girls are pretty much all the same:
January 12, 1992
"I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer)."
Note: This goes on for a whole page.
************************
March 13, 1992
"I can't believe my boyfriend who is a moron was mad just because I danced with this other boy four times and not him."
Yeah, that's a shocker. How unreasonable of him. Also: It's clear I felt very connected with this boy whom I referred to as "boyfriend who is a moron."
************************
July 5, 1992
"I am so sick of how (insert name of perfectly nice boy who is probably now a CEO) 'The Dweeb' loves and worships me. And I had to dance with him at the 8th grade party! Yuck! I think he might be starting to get the idea that I think he's a dork. At least I hope."
The directness of 8th graders in resolving conflict, as well as their relationship skills, is awe-inspiring.
************************
March 8, 1992
"Okay, this is serious. My friends liked this $30 Gitano outfit that totally clashed!"
What the hell is Gitano? Apparently it's SERIOUS.
************************
March 30, 1992
"I finally got lots of hair off my legs when I shaved! Hooray!"
It's really the small victories in life, isn't it?
************************
The entry for July 6, 1992 is an essay called "Why My Little Brother is a Stupid Jerk."
Sorry, darling brother who still has a nickname I made up for you in 9th grade that means the same thing as the word "shit." Loves you!
************************
Proof that the 90s were, in general, a little scary:
March 16, 1992
"Must close now. David Robinson and John Lucas are on Aresnio tonight!"
Note: I watched the Aresnio Hall Show?
************************
July 5, 1992
"Warm it up, Kris! Kris Kross is awesome. Almost as good as Color Me Badd."
Sweet Jesus. There are no words.
****************
Proof that I haven't really changed all that much:
November 2, 1992
"Oh my gosh, I saw Al [Gore] at the Waterloo airport! One day until the election! I'm so excited! If Bill and Al don't win I will just die of sadness. And oh my gosh Al Gore is SO HOT. I love Al! LOVE HIM!"
I believe I am technically now in 9th grade writing this. Not that it matters; I think I still write the same way about Al Gore. Sigh.
************************
July 7, 1992
"I just feel like writing and writing and writing and never stopping. But I will since this is probably majorly boring to read."
At least I had self awareness, even though I still haven't stopped torturing people with my boring and never-ending words.
************************
February 5, 1992
"I guess SOMEONE has to be on the C team. But why me?"
I never magically gained that athletic prowess I had been hoping for. But not my fault, remember? My fingers!
************************
April 25, 1992
"Happy Arbor Day, Diary! Plant a tree! Cool the globe!"
Once a tree-hugger, always a tree hugger. Also, I don't remember wanting to cool the globe being a controversial viewpoint them. Go figure.
************************
June 22, 1993
"I have this pen pal who I met at the Big 8 Tournament. He's really cute, but UGH I can't believe he's a JAYHAWK!"
What IS the matter with Kansas?
************************
In the entry for April 19, I circled my own grammatical error and wrote "please pardon the illegibility of this missive."
No comment.
************************
Coming soon (I hope): Actual excerpts from my 4th grade diary, which I also found yesterday but didn't take the time to try and break into. (Unlike the eighth grade diary which has a combination lock on it that can be opened by remembering the combination "grab both covers and pull really hard for 15 seconds," this one has a padlock that has to be opened with a key that no longer exists -- I'm thinking throwing a really large rock at it will probably do the trick.)
Stay tuned.
Proof that middle school girls are pretty much all the same:
January 12, 1992
"I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer). I love (insert name of boy who is probably now a mass murderer)."
Note: This goes on for a whole page.
************************
March 13, 1992
"I can't believe my boyfriend who is a moron was mad just because I danced with this other boy four times and not him."
Yeah, that's a shocker. How unreasonable of him. Also: It's clear I felt very connected with this boy whom I referred to as "boyfriend who is a moron."
************************
July 5, 1992
"I am so sick of how (insert name of perfectly nice boy who is probably now a CEO) 'The Dweeb' loves and worships me. And I had to dance with him at the 8th grade party! Yuck! I think he might be starting to get the idea that I think he's a dork. At least I hope."
The directness of 8th graders in resolving conflict, as well as their relationship skills, is awe-inspiring.
************************
March 8, 1992
"Okay, this is serious. My friends liked this $30 Gitano outfit that totally clashed!"
What the hell is Gitano? Apparently it's SERIOUS.
************************
March 30, 1992
"I finally got lots of hair off my legs when I shaved! Hooray!"
It's really the small victories in life, isn't it?
************************
The entry for July 6, 1992 is an essay called "Why My Little Brother is a Stupid Jerk."
Sorry, darling brother who still has a nickname I made up for you in 9th grade that means the same thing as the word "shit." Loves you!
************************
Proof that the 90s were, in general, a little scary:
March 16, 1992
"Must close now. David Robinson and John Lucas are on Aresnio tonight!"
Note: I watched the Aresnio Hall Show?
************************
July 5, 1992
"Warm it up, Kris! Kris Kross is awesome. Almost as good as Color Me Badd."
Sweet Jesus. There are no words.
****************
Proof that I haven't really changed all that much:
November 2, 1992
"Oh my gosh, I saw Al [Gore] at the Waterloo airport! One day until the election! I'm so excited! If Bill and Al don't win I will just die of sadness. And oh my gosh Al Gore is SO HOT. I love Al! LOVE HIM!"
I believe I am technically now in 9th grade writing this. Not that it matters; I think I still write the same way about Al Gore. Sigh.
************************
July 7, 1992
"I just feel like writing and writing and writing and never stopping. But I will since this is probably majorly boring to read."
At least I had self awareness, even though I still haven't stopped torturing people with my boring and never-ending words.
************************
February 5, 1992
"I guess SOMEONE has to be on the C team. But why me?"
I never magically gained that athletic prowess I had been hoping for. But not my fault, remember? My fingers!
************************
April 25, 1992
"Happy Arbor Day, Diary! Plant a tree! Cool the globe!"
Once a tree-hugger, always a tree hugger. Also, I don't remember wanting to cool the globe being a controversial viewpoint them. Go figure.
************************
June 22, 1993
"I have this pen pal who I met at the Big 8 Tournament. He's really cute, but UGH I can't believe he's a JAYHAWK!"
What IS the matter with Kansas?
************************
In the entry for April 19, I circled my own grammatical error and wrote "please pardon the illegibility of this missive."
No comment.
************************
Coming soon (I hope): Actual excerpts from my 4th grade diary, which I also found yesterday but didn't take the time to try and break into. (Unlike the eighth grade diary which has a combination lock on it that can be opened by remembering the combination "grab both covers and pull really hard for 15 seconds," this one has a padlock that has to be opened with a key that no longer exists -- I'm thinking throwing a really large rock at it will probably do the trick.)
Stay tuned.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Why drinking and being "single" for the weekend don't mix
And no, it's not the reason you're thinking. So stop it!
As I believe I may have mentioned before, I'm more than a little naive. I am pretty sure if I were an actual single person going to bars to try and meet other single people I would have been stabbed to death in a dark alley by now.
So Friday night while my husband was out of town I was looking forward to having a few drinks with some friends at a local dive bar, where one of the friends wanted to meet up with her other friend who was paying his way through college by deep-frying cauliflower there. Over the course of a couple of hours I proceeded to plow my way through several glasses of beer. I returned from the restroom, weaving my way inefficiently through several local class reunion participants in nametags (ever grateful that I was not one of them) and sat back down at our table, where within a few moments a blond gentleman plopped down in the seat next to me.
I figured he was the cook friend we were meeting, so I started willingly participating in the conversation he started with me. I honestly don't remember anything we were discussing except that he said something flippant about someone who was bald, to which I replied...
Me: Hey, my husband is bald and I think it looks rather attractive on him.
Guy: Husband?
Me: Yeah, my husband Ben.
Guy: You're married? MARRIED? Oh, well THAT'S JUST GREAT.
Me (duh): Yes, it is great.
Guy (leaving half a pack of Pall Malls and a Bic lighter on the table): I'll be right back, okay?
Me: Um...
My friend, leaning over: Why were you talking to that guy?
Me: What do you mean? I thought he was your friend!
My friend: Erm, no...
It's at this point that I finally realized that even though I was clearly wearing a wedding ring this guy was trying to pick me up. See why I could never be a single person?
The more I added up the pieces the more I realized that this guy was an A-1 jerk, so I brilliantly decided to get back at him by smoking all of his Pall Malls. See what fabulous decision-making skills drunk people have?
I didn't finish the pack, but it somehow ended up in my purse and subsequently on my kitchen table the next morning, where my mother saw it upon arriving at my house for a day visit. "When did you take up smoking?" she asked. "Pall Malls! Ew!" So I told her the story. She smoked for 30 years, she said, and could never stomach anything as strong as Pall Malls.
Sweet merciful crap, help me! Coffee and a traecheotomy, please! And let's not forget a shower!
How old am I again? Never mind, don't answer that.
As I believe I may have mentioned before, I'm more than a little naive. I am pretty sure if I were an actual single person going to bars to try and meet other single people I would have been stabbed to death in a dark alley by now.
So Friday night while my husband was out of town I was looking forward to having a few drinks with some friends at a local dive bar, where one of the friends wanted to meet up with her other friend who was paying his way through college by deep-frying cauliflower there. Over the course of a couple of hours I proceeded to plow my way through several glasses of beer. I returned from the restroom, weaving my way inefficiently through several local class reunion participants in nametags (ever grateful that I was not one of them) and sat back down at our table, where within a few moments a blond gentleman plopped down in the seat next to me.
I figured he was the cook friend we were meeting, so I started willingly participating in the conversation he started with me. I honestly don't remember anything we were discussing except that he said something flippant about someone who was bald, to which I replied...
Me: Hey, my husband is bald and I think it looks rather attractive on him.
Guy: Husband?
Me: Yeah, my husband Ben.
Guy: You're married? MARRIED? Oh, well THAT'S JUST GREAT.
Me (duh): Yes, it is great.
Guy (leaving half a pack of Pall Malls and a Bic lighter on the table): I'll be right back, okay?
Me: Um...
My friend, leaning over: Why were you talking to that guy?
Me: What do you mean? I thought he was your friend!
My friend: Erm, no...
It's at this point that I finally realized that even though I was clearly wearing a wedding ring this guy was trying to pick me up. See why I could never be a single person?
The more I added up the pieces the more I realized that this guy was an A-1 jerk, so I brilliantly decided to get back at him by smoking all of his Pall Malls. See what fabulous decision-making skills drunk people have?
I didn't finish the pack, but it somehow ended up in my purse and subsequently on my kitchen table the next morning, where my mother saw it upon arriving at my house for a day visit. "When did you take up smoking?" she asked. "Pall Malls! Ew!" So I told her the story. She smoked for 30 years, she said, and could never stomach anything as strong as Pall Malls.
Sweet merciful crap, help me! Coffee and a traecheotomy, please! And let's not forget a shower!
How old am I again? Never mind, don't answer that.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sacrificial Gams
Call me a cynic, but "Kate! YOU have nice legs!" is a suspicious beginning to a conversation. Yet, so began the crackly cell phone conversation I had with my co-worker this afternoon.
It turns out I was correct to be skeptical, and -- long story short -- you may now add "stand half-naked in front of God and everyone, including a photographer," to the list of Things I Have Done To Be a Team Player at Work (right after getting mugged by geese, buying every basketball-hoop-shaped kids' wastebasket in stock at four greater Iowa K-Marts, and standing in street sludge in front of Minneapolis' Target Center while people asked me if I was an American Idol contestant).
Okay, perhaps making the long story short is ineffective in conveying the Oh-My-God-I'm-Freaked-Out-ness of the phone call, which was precipitated by the refusal of multiple co-workers to model a nightshirt and fuzzy slippers for our merchandise catalog, most likely because the outfit: a) is ridiculous; and b) involves wearing no pants.
I should actually add that, if you need someone who isn't afraid to go pantless in front of a camera, I may be a good option. Our family's photo albums are filled with images of me as a youngster, wearing only a shirt and underpants, sitting at family gatherings, watching Sesame Street, writing and illustrating my collections of short fiction/plans for world domination, etc. It's true: I ritualistically shed my pants the minute I walked through the door for many of my single-digit years. Not sure when this became uncouth and inappropriate (probably two years before I stopped doing it), but I'm afraid to say that most of my adult years have been spent rather boringly wearing pants almost all the time.
So in order to complete this assignment I was going to have to rediscover the spirit of my half-naked inner child.
I retreated to the restroom and put on the nightshirt and the fuzzy slippers. I looked, well, ridiculous. But I was taking one for the team. Boldly going where no person in her right mind has ever gone before. Wearing no pants in front of my co-workers. Wearing no pants in front of the camera...
I am not a model. Heck, I'm not even really that much of a girl. When I was frantically trying to put on some makeup before heading over to the photo shoot, another co-worker offered me the use of her some-kinda-special comb. "What do I do with that?" I replied. She giggled. I think she thought I was kidding. "Hey, at least you're wearing earrings today," another helpfully chimed in. Yes, it's a special day at our office when Kate remembers to accessorize. Alert the media! She's wearing a belt AND a bracelet!
Everything I know about modeling I learned from Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model. This means that the extent of my knowledge about good modeling is that I know it involves reading Tyra Mail and being something called "fierce." I tried to think about being "fierce" in the nightshirt and slippers, but it just wasn't coming to the surface. The photographer didn't like my idea of channeling every men's underwear model I've ever seen and doing the "Look! A tree!" finger-point. So they handed me props: a coffee mug and a newspaper. Apparently instead of being fierce I was supposed to pretend I had just woken up and started reading the paper when someone pointed a camera in my face. In a fierce manner, of course. "Ooh, I'm so surprised that you are taking a picture of me while I'm wearing my nightgown and reading the paper," is apparently the message we were trying to convey, artistically.
And when art involves wearing an oversized T-shirt, no pants, and ridiculous slippers while not pointing at a fake tree, I'm just clay to be molded. Molded into a tan-legged frump to be plastered on catalogs and the innernets. Victoria's Secret, you may want to send your scouts to check me out. Just don't ask me how to use an eyelash curler or be fierce. Because I don't know.
It turns out I was correct to be skeptical, and -- long story short -- you may now add "stand half-naked in front of God and everyone, including a photographer," to the list of Things I Have Done To Be a Team Player at Work (right after getting mugged by geese, buying every basketball-hoop-shaped kids' wastebasket in stock at four greater Iowa K-Marts, and standing in street sludge in front of Minneapolis' Target Center while people asked me if I was an American Idol contestant).
Okay, perhaps making the long story short is ineffective in conveying the Oh-My-God-I'm-Freaked-Out-ness of the phone call, which was precipitated by the refusal of multiple co-workers to model a nightshirt and fuzzy slippers for our merchandise catalog, most likely because the outfit: a) is ridiculous; and b) involves wearing no pants.
I should actually add that, if you need someone who isn't afraid to go pantless in front of a camera, I may be a good option. Our family's photo albums are filled with images of me as a youngster, wearing only a shirt and underpants, sitting at family gatherings, watching Sesame Street, writing and illustrating my collections of short fiction/plans for world domination, etc. It's true: I ritualistically shed my pants the minute I walked through the door for many of my single-digit years. Not sure when this became uncouth and inappropriate (probably two years before I stopped doing it), but I'm afraid to say that most of my adult years have been spent rather boringly wearing pants almost all the time.
So in order to complete this assignment I was going to have to rediscover the spirit of my half-naked inner child.
I retreated to the restroom and put on the nightshirt and the fuzzy slippers. I looked, well, ridiculous. But I was taking one for the team. Boldly going where no person in her right mind has ever gone before. Wearing no pants in front of my co-workers. Wearing no pants in front of the camera...
I am not a model. Heck, I'm not even really that much of a girl. When I was frantically trying to put on some makeup before heading over to the photo shoot, another co-worker offered me the use of her some-kinda-special comb. "What do I do with that?" I replied. She giggled. I think she thought I was kidding. "Hey, at least you're wearing earrings today," another helpfully chimed in. Yes, it's a special day at our office when Kate remembers to accessorize. Alert the media! She's wearing a belt AND a bracelet!
Everything I know about modeling I learned from Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model. This means that the extent of my knowledge about good modeling is that I know it involves reading Tyra Mail and being something called "fierce." I tried to think about being "fierce" in the nightshirt and slippers, but it just wasn't coming to the surface. The photographer didn't like my idea of channeling every men's underwear model I've ever seen and doing the "Look! A tree!" finger-point. So they handed me props: a coffee mug and a newspaper. Apparently instead of being fierce I was supposed to pretend I had just woken up and started reading the paper when someone pointed a camera in my face. In a fierce manner, of course. "Ooh, I'm so surprised that you are taking a picture of me while I'm wearing my nightgown and reading the paper," is apparently the message we were trying to convey, artistically.
And when art involves wearing an oversized T-shirt, no pants, and ridiculous slippers while not pointing at a fake tree, I'm just clay to be molded. Molded into a tan-legged frump to be plastered on catalogs and the innernets. Victoria's Secret, you may want to send your scouts to check me out. Just don't ask me how to use an eyelash curler or be fierce. Because I don't know.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Trying to ford a river of Pabst Blue Ribbon
So it was over a month ago that I went to Portland, but I still haven't written anything about the experience. Not exactly sure what has been the cause of my writer's block, but rest assured that I always inevitably find the temptation to deliver verbose blow-by-blow accounts of my vacations too overwhelming to stand. The level of detail in which I documented our trip to Aruba four years ago, for example, should serve as proof of this phenomenon. In other words: Never question my commitment to being a giant geek.
Okay, so Oregon.
First let me say that if it weren't quite so many miles from the UMW I would move to Portland in a heartbeat. I have always had a fascination with the Pacific Northwest (stemming from my religious devotion to watching Twin Peaks as an adolescent, perhaps?), and this satiated my desire to spend a good bit of time there in a way that my New Year's 2003 trip to Boise did not.
My friend since junior high who was also my roommate during freshman year of college, Winnie, was kind enough to play host to us. She has a cute house, an even cuter puppy, and a cute ex-chef husband who vaguely resembles Justin Timberlake and currently makes a living harvesting barn owl pellets in scary ghost-town looking places down south. Seriously.
I'm a pretty big fan of athletic apparel, so it was a pretty cool thing that Winnie works for Nike. We got a tour of the campus and a pass to shop at the employee store, where we spent $750 on $1,500 worth of stuff in the course of an afternoon. But hooray! Sports bras for life! Also: Shoes! When we visited the Nike campus, we avoided parking in Michael Jordan's parking spot. Apparently it's not really reserved for Michael Jordan, though, Winnie informed us. Um, we're gullible Iowa hicks. Haven't you heard?
On our first night in Portland, we went to dinner at a fantastic Thai restaurant and then to the Last Thursday festival on Alberta Street. It's basically like an art festival where all of Portland's most interesting characters come out to play -- unicycle riders, the performance artists at the "clown house," random ranters, ravers, painters, and musicians. Despite the perponderance of junk of everywhere, it's really cool, actually. We made our way to the lawn of an Alberta Street drinking establishment, where I snapped this incredibly flattering but oh-so-funny picture of Win drinking a can of PBR (which, apparently, is the official canned beverage of the Greater Portland Area):
Two significant things happened after I took this photo:
1) A woman squatted down and peed in the lawn in front of approximately 400 people, including my husband...who couldn't quite wash the perplexed look off his face for the rest of the night after witnessing this event and urging the rest of our group to steer clear of the puddle.
2) A riot, apparently, broke out on Alberta Street. At least according to this blog.
The next day was all about checking out the city. Winnie decided the best way to do this was to ride on the controversial sky tram up to the Oregon Health & Science University, which has a great view of the city and even, on a clear day, Mt. Hood. I say the tram was controversial because it takes you right over people's houses. The houses of people who protested its construction, lost the battle, and now keep their curtains permanently drawn. You really could see right into the houses were they not, so I can see why they were unhappy. We were easily the youngest people on the tram, and we did resist the temptation to visit the hospital gift shop at the top of the hill despite the urgings of the tram operator.
Later that day we went up in the west hills and visited the rose garden. We thought this was a good place to take a prom picture. So we did:
Instead of a wrist corsage, Kate is sporting a Nike handbag purchased at a rock-bottom warehouse price!
They also had some viewers that cost a quarter. Which we didn't have. So we used the opportunity to take another stupid picture.
Hey! It's another stupid picture! It must be Kate and Ben's vacation.
The next major highlight of the visit was our day trip to the coast. It is GORGEOUS. See photographic evidence of gorgeousness below:
Winnie knew of a semi-secluded beach we would enjoy that was only a short hike away, so we took the dog and headed down to the shore, where we were apparently so overcome with rapture over seeing the ocean that we decided to mess around like total dumbasses, which to me makes for a perfectly awesome time. Winnie and I tried to get out modeling careers off the ground by practicing some sexy butt poses on the beach, but really Maya the dog was better than we:
Sexy bitches. Literally.
I also have to admit I was a bit surprised how many sufers were hanging out...er, hanging ten...at this particular beach. It was really not warm. And the water was really, really not warm. And I really, really, really don't know my surfer lingo, as I believe my exact quote was "Let's hang some ten." I am not sure that "ten" is an adjustable quantity in that sense. I believe if you were hanging some ten, it would just mean you were hanging eight or six-and-a-half or Pi or something like that. Hey, I'm from Iowa.
But man, did we have fun at that beach. It's good for the soul to see the ocean for those of us who are locked between the Missouri and Mississippi. And they had saltwater taffy and fish n' chips and rock formations and look! They have waterfalls!
Speaking of waterfalls, the next day was cool because we spent it hiking near the Columbia River Gorge, which is phe-nom-e-nal.
I mean, look.
Multnomah Falls was really cool, but there were also lots of people there. So Winnie took us over to the Horsetail Falls Trail, which was a pretty easy hike with very few tourists and lots of great scenery. Like this:
As is true with anything related to me going on a vacation, we goofed around. Here's a botched attempt at a photo of Winne holding the waterfall in her hand while I look surprised in the background:
The hike was definitely worth it, as the top of the trail netted us a great view of the Columbia River.
This is all, f'real, like 20 minutes in a Subaru from Winnie's house. And when I say Subaru, I mean Subaru. There is an unofficial Portland city ordinance, apparently, which states that you must own a Subaru and a dog to live there. And when you're cruising around in your Subaru with your life partner wearing your Columbia or Nike or Adidas athletics gear, you must have the dog in the back of the car. And have your radio tuned to Q97.9 FM all the time, so you can hear Mims' highly musical song, "This is Why I'm Hot," every 10 minutes. Okay, don't do that last part. But you can!
This left one adventure before we could leave: driving up to Timberline Lodge on Mt. Hood.
Coming to your hood
And wow -- Timberline Lodge is the hotel they used for the exterior shots in the movie The Shining. A movie that scared the pee out of me. And it was a little creepy seeing it, even though there are no snow tunnels or psychotic killers or Here's Johnny but rather just a bunch of caffienated Oregonians with their snowboards.
And a ski lift. And a massive parking lot. With Subarus.
We had a hot alcoholic beverage inside and then tromped through the snow on the side of the mountain. And who can resist an April snowball fight in 60-degree weather? Certainly not me.
I'm a really bad over-actor.
So there you have it: Go to Portland. You will not regret it. There are so many things to do, including the ones mentioned here plus also locking your keys in your rental car, golfing, purchasing Columbia jackets sales-tax free, pointing out electrical wiring inadequacies in art galleries, eating candy, thrift store shopping, and going out for breakfast like every day. Oh, and Chai! Real Oregon Chai...take that, Starbucks evil-doers.
Raising a can of PBR in thanks to my Portland friends,
That Weird Girl from Iowa
Okay, so Oregon.
First let me say that if it weren't quite so many miles from the UMW I would move to Portland in a heartbeat. I have always had a fascination with the Pacific Northwest (stemming from my religious devotion to watching Twin Peaks as an adolescent, perhaps?), and this satiated my desire to spend a good bit of time there in a way that my New Year's 2003 trip to Boise did not.
My friend since junior high who was also my roommate during freshman year of college, Winnie, was kind enough to play host to us. She has a cute house, an even cuter puppy, and a cute ex-chef husband who vaguely resembles Justin Timberlake and currently makes a living harvesting barn owl pellets in scary ghost-town looking places down south. Seriously.
I'm a pretty big fan of athletic apparel, so it was a pretty cool thing that Winnie works for Nike. We got a tour of the campus and a pass to shop at the employee store, where we spent $750 on $1,500 worth of stuff in the course of an afternoon. But hooray! Sports bras for life! Also: Shoes! When we visited the Nike campus, we avoided parking in Michael Jordan's parking spot. Apparently it's not really reserved for Michael Jordan, though, Winnie informed us. Um, we're gullible Iowa hicks. Haven't you heard?
On our first night in Portland, we went to dinner at a fantastic Thai restaurant and then to the Last Thursday festival on Alberta Street. It's basically like an art festival where all of Portland's most interesting characters come out to play -- unicycle riders, the performance artists at the "clown house," random ranters, ravers, painters, and musicians. Despite the perponderance of junk of everywhere, it's really cool, actually. We made our way to the lawn of an Alberta Street drinking establishment, where I snapped this incredibly flattering but oh-so-funny picture of Win drinking a can of PBR (which, apparently, is the official canned beverage of the Greater Portland Area):
Two significant things happened after I took this photo:
1) A woman squatted down and peed in the lawn in front of approximately 400 people, including my husband...who couldn't quite wash the perplexed look off his face for the rest of the night after witnessing this event and urging the rest of our group to steer clear of the puddle.
2) A riot, apparently, broke out on Alberta Street. At least according to this blog.
The next day was all about checking out the city. Winnie decided the best way to do this was to ride on the controversial sky tram up to the Oregon Health & Science University, which has a great view of the city and even, on a clear day, Mt. Hood. I say the tram was controversial because it takes you right over people's houses. The houses of people who protested its construction, lost the battle, and now keep their curtains permanently drawn. You really could see right into the houses were they not, so I can see why they were unhappy. We were easily the youngest people on the tram, and we did resist the temptation to visit the hospital gift shop at the top of the hill despite the urgings of the tram operator.
Later that day we went up in the west hills and visited the rose garden. We thought this was a good place to take a prom picture. So we did:
Instead of a wrist corsage, Kate is sporting a Nike handbag purchased at a rock-bottom warehouse price!
They also had some viewers that cost a quarter. Which we didn't have. So we used the opportunity to take another stupid picture.
Hey! It's another stupid picture! It must be Kate and Ben's vacation.
The next major highlight of the visit was our day trip to the coast. It is GORGEOUS. See photographic evidence of gorgeousness below:
Winnie knew of a semi-secluded beach we would enjoy that was only a short hike away, so we took the dog and headed down to the shore, where we were apparently so overcome with rapture over seeing the ocean that we decided to mess around like total dumbasses, which to me makes for a perfectly awesome time. Winnie and I tried to get out modeling careers off the ground by practicing some sexy butt poses on the beach, but really Maya the dog was better than we:
Sexy bitches. Literally.
I also have to admit I was a bit surprised how many sufers were hanging out...er, hanging ten...at this particular beach. It was really not warm. And the water was really, really not warm. And I really, really, really don't know my surfer lingo, as I believe my exact quote was "Let's hang some ten." I am not sure that "ten" is an adjustable quantity in that sense. I believe if you were hanging some ten, it would just mean you were hanging eight or six-and-a-half or Pi or something like that. Hey, I'm from Iowa.
But man, did we have fun at that beach. It's good for the soul to see the ocean for those of us who are locked between the Missouri and Mississippi. And they had saltwater taffy and fish n' chips and rock formations and look! They have waterfalls!
Speaking of waterfalls, the next day was cool because we spent it hiking near the Columbia River Gorge, which is phe-nom-e-nal.
I mean, look.
Multnomah Falls was really cool, but there were also lots of people there. So Winnie took us over to the Horsetail Falls Trail, which was a pretty easy hike with very few tourists and lots of great scenery. Like this:
As is true with anything related to me going on a vacation, we goofed around. Here's a botched attempt at a photo of Winne holding the waterfall in her hand while I look surprised in the background:
The hike was definitely worth it, as the top of the trail netted us a great view of the Columbia River.
This is all, f'real, like 20 minutes in a Subaru from Winnie's house. And when I say Subaru, I mean Subaru. There is an unofficial Portland city ordinance, apparently, which states that you must own a Subaru and a dog to live there. And when you're cruising around in your Subaru with your life partner wearing your Columbia or Nike or Adidas athletics gear, you must have the dog in the back of the car. And have your radio tuned to Q97.9 FM all the time, so you can hear Mims' highly musical song, "This is Why I'm Hot," every 10 minutes. Okay, don't do that last part. But you can!
This left one adventure before we could leave: driving up to Timberline Lodge on Mt. Hood.
Coming to your hood
And wow -- Timberline Lodge is the hotel they used for the exterior shots in the movie The Shining. A movie that scared the pee out of me. And it was a little creepy seeing it, even though there are no snow tunnels or psychotic killers or Here's Johnny but rather just a bunch of caffienated Oregonians with their snowboards.
And a ski lift. And a massive parking lot. With Subarus.
We had a hot alcoholic beverage inside and then tromped through the snow on the side of the mountain. And who can resist an April snowball fight in 60-degree weather? Certainly not me.
I'm a really bad over-actor.
So there you have it: Go to Portland. You will not regret it. There are so many things to do, including the ones mentioned here plus also locking your keys in your rental car, golfing, purchasing Columbia jackets sales-tax free, pointing out electrical wiring inadequacies in art galleries, eating candy, thrift store shopping, and going out for breakfast like every day. Oh, and Chai! Real Oregon Chai...take that, Starbucks evil-doers.
Raising a can of PBR in thanks to my Portland friends,
That Weird Girl from Iowa
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
I peed my pants a little laughing at this.
If you're a Pearl Jam fan, this is must-see YouTube:
For what it's worth, these are the actual lyrics to Yellow Ledbetter:
Unsealed
On a porch a letter sat
Then you said I wanna leave it again
Once I saw her on a beach of weathered sand
And on the sand I wanna leave it again...yeah
On a weekend I wanna wish it all away yeah...
And they called and I said that I want what I said
And then I call out again
And the reason oughta leave her calm I know
I said I don't know whetherI'm the boxer or the bag
Ah yeah ehh....
Can you see themOut on the porch
But they don't wave
I see them round the front way yeah
And I know I don't want to stay...
Make me cry
Ooooh I see
I don't know there's something else
I wanna drum it all away
Oh I said I don't, I don't know whether I'm a boxer or the bag
Ah yeah ehh....
Can you see them
Out on the porch
But they don't wave
I see them round the front way yeah
And I know I don't want to stay
I don't wanna stay
I don't wanna stay
Don't Don't wanna
Oh... yeah... oooh...
Thursday, May 24, 2007
So I got mugged by some geese. What?
One of the things I like most about my job is that I never know what to expect. So this week, when I was asked to participate in the "we love Iowa State's campus swans, Lancelot and Elaine" video shoot for the university's sesquicentennial traditions video, I didn't know what to expect.
I will say my track record with this particular video is perhaps not the best. At the shoot for the first segment, in which I assisted but was mercifully not on camera, I fell down in the parking lot. So there's that.
But that was over a month ago, and I arrived at the set (Lake LaVerne) Tuesday ready to rock and roll with a fresh new confidence in my upright, sober walking abilities.
My co-worker/co-star and I were told that our first order of business was to round up the swans, who were hanging out in a corner of the lake (okay, it's a pond that is ridiculously named "Lake," but whatever) that didn't necessarily have the most aesthetically pleasing background, namely a construction site and a busy intersection. That's where I'd be if I were a swan, too. There are probably hunks of rotten gordita tossed out the car window by college students two months ago, or the remnants of Ring-Dings that were eaten on the construction site, worth munching (Elegantly munching, of course, because Hey! You're a swan. Everything you do is elegant! Even snarfing garbage off the curb!). But we had a whole bag of moldy wheat bread, so we knew we could entice them over by the tranquil and much-more-video-worthy park bench area.
And it worked. We congratulated ourselves on successfully positioning the swans for the video and were about to chill on the park bench when all hell broke loose. Two Canadian geese came seemingly out of nowhere and swooped down to scare the swans away and claim the bread. The geese are much more aggressive than the swans, by the way, and decidedly less elegant. The swans paddled their elegant butts out of there while the geese approached us on foot, rapidly and with a strong sense of purpose.
"Give me some of that moldy bread," one seemed to hiss at me. "Bitch."
"Okay, okay," I relented, frightenedly hurling crumbs in the opposite direction and speaking directly to the geese in English like a giant dork. The other goose in the pair lunged at me, and I threw a whole wad down the sidewalk. They were eating the bread faster than Sara and I could throw it. It really escalated quickly, though last time I checked I did not end up killing a man with a trident.
We were finally able to entice the geese to go another direction and were able to re-focus our attentions on luring Lancelot and Elaine (though both of the swans are male, one of them is forced to keep the name "Elaine..." sucks to be him) back toward the shore with the coveted moldly bread. Things were going quite swimmingly, and Sara even had one of the geese, let's just say for argument's sake it was Dude Elaine, eating out of her hand. That's when she turned around to get another piece of bread and about leaped out of her Cole Haans. Like some scene out of a really bad and not-at-all-scary horror movie, the geese were right. freaking. there, staring her in the face. That's right, the geese snuck up on us.
And that's the day we got mugged by geese.
I will say my track record with this particular video is perhaps not the best. At the shoot for the first segment, in which I assisted but was mercifully not on camera, I fell down in the parking lot. So there's that.
But that was over a month ago, and I arrived at the set (Lake LaVerne) Tuesday ready to rock and roll with a fresh new confidence in my upright, sober walking abilities.
My co-worker/co-star and I were told that our first order of business was to round up the swans, who were hanging out in a corner of the lake (okay, it's a pond that is ridiculously named "Lake," but whatever) that didn't necessarily have the most aesthetically pleasing background, namely a construction site and a busy intersection. That's where I'd be if I were a swan, too. There are probably hunks of rotten gordita tossed out the car window by college students two months ago, or the remnants of Ring-Dings that were eaten on the construction site, worth munching (Elegantly munching, of course, because Hey! You're a swan. Everything you do is elegant! Even snarfing garbage off the curb!). But we had a whole bag of moldy wheat bread, so we knew we could entice them over by the tranquil and much-more-video-worthy park bench area.
And it worked. We congratulated ourselves on successfully positioning the swans for the video and were about to chill on the park bench when all hell broke loose. Two Canadian geese came seemingly out of nowhere and swooped down to scare the swans away and claim the bread. The geese are much more aggressive than the swans, by the way, and decidedly less elegant. The swans paddled their elegant butts out of there while the geese approached us on foot, rapidly and with a strong sense of purpose.
"Give me some of that moldy bread," one seemed to hiss at me. "Bitch."
"Okay, okay," I relented, frightenedly hurling crumbs in the opposite direction and speaking directly to the geese in English like a giant dork. The other goose in the pair lunged at me, and I threw a whole wad down the sidewalk. They were eating the bread faster than Sara and I could throw it. It really escalated quickly, though last time I checked I did not end up killing a man with a trident.
We were finally able to entice the geese to go another direction and were able to re-focus our attentions on luring Lancelot and Elaine (though both of the swans are male, one of them is forced to keep the name "Elaine..." sucks to be him) back toward the shore with the coveted moldly bread. Things were going quite swimmingly, and Sara even had one of the geese, let's just say for argument's sake it was Dude Elaine, eating out of her hand. That's when she turned around to get another piece of bread and about leaped out of her Cole Haans. Like some scene out of a really bad and not-at-all-scary horror movie, the geese were right. freaking. there, staring her in the face. That's right, the geese snuck up on us.
And that's the day we got mugged by geese.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)