Finally, another blog-worthy Starbucks moment!

This occurred at approximately 7:30 a.m. Wednesday at the flaky Ames Starbucks:

Starbucks employee, shouting into the intercom before I am even pulled up all the way to the shout box: Well, well, how are we this morning?

Me: Um...I'm fine. (Reluctantly:) How are you?

Starbucks employee: We are doing very well on this fine Wednesday morning.

This very pretentious use of "we" has already thoroughly irritated me, long before the employee even gets to the part where he starts confusing me for a man and foisting unwanted banana bread on me. See below.

Me: Uh. That's good.

Starbucks employee: Hey, have you tried our new skinny lattes? They are quite delicious and come in a variety of flavors. I can get one for you in any size, sir.

Sir? Seriously? Have you ever heard my voice? I sound like a lot of things, but I don't sound like a man.

Me (completely caught off-guard): What? No. I, uhm, I just want a grande regular coffee. Black. Please.

Starbucks employee: We also have a blend from Guatemala and a ramalamadingdong brew and someotherwhatchyamacallit brew.

Me: Okay, fine. (Jeebus.) Give me the Guatemalan coffee.

I've been to Guatemala, I reason, and they do have delicious coffee.

Starbucks employee: All right then; what size?

I hate it when they are so immersed in the concept of suggestive selling and cross-promotional hoopla that they fail to listen to you. And when I say "they" and "you," I mean "we."

Me: That was a grande.

I've gotten over my phobia of calling it "grande," but I still don't like it. Just shoot me if I ever start saying "We'd like a grande," though.

Starbucks employee: Did you want cream and sugar?

Me: Nope!

Didn't I also already say "black?" Ugh.

Starbucks employee: Can I get you anything else?

Me: No...

Starbucks employee: How about a piece of banana bread?

At this point, I seriously want to kill this guy. Doesn't he realize I haven't had MY COFFEE yet this morning?

Me: NO, THANK YOU!

The good news for the guy who took my order is that he was not also manning the drive-thru window. Instead I gave my money to a woman with dyed black hair who didn't speak. But it was good Guatemalan coffee. I'll give them that.