Aruba Travel Journal

4.4.03, 6:00 a.m.: Kate and Ben leave Ames, a giant bottle of Aquafina and a 50 Cent CD in tow.

4.4.03, 11:22 a.m.: Fourth encounter with Illinois tollway collector. He does the ole "arm-raisy thing fake out" routine. Punk.

4.4.03, 12:10 p.m.: We’re in Chicago! Hooray! We’re staying at the H...H....the Ha...you know, that one hotel chain that starts with an H whose name I will not utter because it is the same as a little-known MEAC school that beat Iowa State in the NCAA tournament in 2001. Yeah, that place. Kate rearranges her suitcase.

4.4.03, 2:45 p.m.: Rock on! Let’s see the new shark exhibit at Shedd Aquarium!

4.4.03, 2:48 p.m.: Ben almost beats up a zit-faced Shedd Aquarium employee who makes a smart aleck remark to Kate, Ben, and a family of four who inquire about the shark exhibit, which is apparently not open yet. Like we were supposed to know this. Punk.

4.4.03, 5:35 p.m.: Male seahorses carry their young. The Seahorse Symphony exhibit rocks our socks.

4.4.03, 6:30 p.m.: Kate and Ben have been walking for an hour. We can see downtown Chicago...now we just need to get there.

4.4.03, 6:52 p.m.: Michigan Avenue! Michigan Avenue! Michigan Avenue! Ow, blister.

4.4.03, 7:45 p.m.: Mmmmm...Chicago-style pizza...

4.5.03, 4:12 a.m.: Giant line of people snakes through O’Hare terminal as Delta employees Windex off computer screens, mine in their noses, and stare. We’re never gonna make this flight.

4.5.03, 10:00 a.m.: I’m sprinting...through the Atlanta Airport. Sprint, sprint, sprint. Ow, blister.

4.5.03, 2:13 p.m.: That wacky Ross Geller on the in-flight episode of "Friends" mentions male seahorses carrying their young. That’s two seahorse references. Are you keeping score at home?

4.5.03, 3:36 p.m.: There are no traffic laws in Aruba. Instead of stop signs, they have signs that say "Stop Verbod." Did you get that? No stopping. We. Are. Going. To. Die.

4.5.03, 3:39 p.m.: Kate spots a building labeled: "VanLorp and VanLorp: Attorneys-at-Law and Taxi Drivers."

4.5.03, 8:01 p.m.: Kate nods off while watching Kansas-Marquette on television.

4.6.03, 7:48 a.m.: Kate wakes up refreshed, ready to take a refreshing morning walk. Ben suggests that they walk to the grocery store to stock up on refreshments.

4.6.03, 8: 57 a.m.: It is hot. There are no sidewalks. Are we there yet? I don’t even see the grocery store.

4.6.03, 9:38 a.m.: Must. Have. Water.

4.6.03, 11:01 a.m.: Kate and Ben return to the hotel fitness center, defeated and smelling rather funky. We only made it as far as Taco Bell, but we decided against chalupas for breakfast. Ben and Kate lift weights and score some free tangerines from the fitness center clerk. Mmmm...tangerines.

4.6.03, 12:36 p.m.: Kate decides to have a pina colada for lunch.

4.6.03, 4:14 p.m.: Ben looks at the rocks that extend off the beach in front of the hotel and says, "Don’t be fooled by the rocks that they’ve got." Kate punches Ben in the head. I hate that freaking song.

4.6.03, 7:07 p.m.: Kate serenades Ben with "Ooooooh, Baracuda..." as Ben munches pan-fried baracuda at the Driftwood Restaurant. Kate drinks some more sangria with her seafood pasta thermador. You’ve got to love a country that puts gouda cheese on everything.

4.6.03, 9:11 p.m.: This slot machine hates me. It hates my mom. It hates my grandma. It hates my third cousin twice removed.

4.7.03, 8:58 a.m.: Kate and Ben chase seahorses through the water at the Antilla shipwreck snorkeling site. Holy seahorses, Batman!

4.7.03, 9:44 a.m.: Little guy on Palm Pleasure catamaran snorkeling trip informs Kate that she is fine. Ben is less than amused.

4.7.03, 10:37 a.m.: Kate and Ben strike up a conversation with another couple. They are from Boston, and the woman says the word "maniac" like every 15 seconds. It’s cute.

4.7.03, 12:00 p.m.: Two words: Turtle. Cheesecake.

4.7.03, 4:45 p.m.: Kate buys some new flip flops at Scuba Aruba.

4.7.03, 6:38 p.m.: Kate and Ben get a primo table at Iguana Joe’s.

4.7.03, 9:28 p.m.: How old is Jim Boeheim’s wife? She is smokin’ hot.

4.7.03, 10:03 p.m.: Maybe KU should learn how to shoot free throws.

4.8.03, 7: 41 a.m.: The fitness center plays "Jenny from the Block" for the third day in a row. Have I mentioned that I hate that song?

4.8.03, 9:32 a.m.: Kate and Ben walk out on the rocks that they’ve got in front of the resort.

4.8.03, 1:18 p.m.: Kate wakes up from her nap on the beach in time to warn Ben that he needn’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got.

4.8.03, 6:56 p.m.: Japanese chef throws a plastic egg at Kate’s head.

4.8.03, 10:12 p.m.: Make Geno Auriemma go away! Please, please, make it stop. Kate buries her head beneath the covers. This is NOT how I wanted to end my college hoops viewing season.

4.9.03, 8:04 a.m.: Kate pounds out steps on the treadmill to the soothing sounds of "Jenny from the Block."

4.9.03, 11:26 a.m.: Our tour guide on the Atlantis submarine adventure is hella funny.

4.9.03, 11:34 a.m.: Check out the groovy seahorses down here!

4.9.03, 11:48 a.m.: The submarine touches the ocean floor: 150 feet!

4.9.03,12:03 p.m.: Kate screeches the lyrics to "Yellow Submarine" in Ben’s ear as the Atlantis submarine coasts back up to the surface.

4.9.03, 12:17 p.m.: Kate purchases a terry cloth skirt-towel-swimsuit cover-up combo thing that says ARUBA across the butt. That is so not like me, but I find it amusing for some reason.

4.9.03,12:33 p.m.: Kate is most definitely not fooled by the rocks that Ben’s got.

4.9.03, 3:45 p.m.: Kate and Ben witness a wicked cool iguana fight.

4.9.03, 6:13 p.m.: Kate and Ben sit down to dinner and are presented with a lovely dish of fried plantains. Kate recalls the time she wrote a story involving an eyepatch and a magical plantain hand. Yeah, you had to be there.

4.9.03, 6:19 p.m.: Mmmmm...fried plantains taste like potato chips. You know what they say..."Fried Plantains: You Can’t Eat Just One."

4.9.03, 8:04 p.m.: Kate continues to be completely unfazed by the rocks that Ben’s got.

4.9.03, 9:06 p.m.: Hooray! Tonight we lost all our money playing nickel slots instead of quarter slots and stingy video poker.

4.9.03, 9:44 p.m.: Kate and Ben, who perhaps had a few too many drinks at Pago Pago, go for a late night dip in the pool but end up on the beach developing an intricate plot for a screenplay called "The Bruns Identity," which involves Ben gunning down some terrorists at the Aruba Phoenix Beach Resort who somehow got into the country despite Chicago O’Hare’s amazingly tight security practices of looking at people’s driver’s licenses and asking them to remove their shoes. The plot thickens as Ben swims away to the Dutch ship waiting for him out at sea, but he gets hit in the head by a flying fish and loses his memory. When he awakens, he discovers that he can speak Dutch and has flashbacks of "ninjing" on the beach. He also knows that he is very intelligent and that the words "the brisket has left the sandbar" is code for something. He must just figure out what. Yep, we definitely had too many drinks.

4.10.03, 8:14 a.m.: Kate is delighted to hear the song "Jenny from the Block"come over the stereo system in the fitness center. Not.

4.10.03, 3:18 p.m.: Kate and Ben finally meet someone from Iowa in the hotel pool. Of course the guy has lived in the Boston area for 22 years, but he grew up in Newton. He said people in Massachusetts have absolutely no appreciation for pork tenderloin sandwiches. Ben wipes away a tear.

4.11.03, 6:40 a.m.: Kate and Ben board the bus for downtown. We have an appointment to go deep-sea fishing with Captain Lorenzo at 7:30.

4.11.03, 8:13 a.m.: Ben and the first mate pull a giant wahoo out of the ocean. Ben gets wahoo blood on his new $180 Nike Shox. He doesn’t care because having giant tropical fish blood on your shoe is cool.

4.11.03, 8:25 a.m.: Yo, LoZo: Got any Dramamine up in this boat?

4.11.03, 12:14 p.m.: Kate and Ben amble toward the nearest restroom to remove the salt that is coating both of their entire bodies. Ew.

4.11.03, 12:19 p.m.: Ben jokes to Kate that they could eat lunch at Sbarro.

4.11.03, 12:39 p.m.: Kate and Ben sit down for a nice lunch at a restaurant that is not Sbarro. Kate looks down and observes that the skin rash she has been keeping her eye on for the last few days is getting worse. Kate casually scratches her arm, then places her hand behind her ear and knocks a giant chunk of salt off her head. Ew.

4.11.03, 12:46 p.m.: Further compounding her problems, Kate dumps an entire glass of lemonade directly into her lap. Now she is salty, itchy, and sticky. Ew.

4.11.03, 12:51 p.m.: Kate suddenly wishes she were at Sbarro.

4.11.03, 1:17 p.m.: Ben goes into the jewelry store to pick up their free 5-carat topaz while Kate, too embarrassed to go into any public place, waits on a park bench and reads Dave Barry.

4.11.03, 1:33 p.m.: Ben emerges from jewelry shop and presents Kate with the pendant and a chain he purchased to go with it. Kate tells Ben not to be fooled by the rock that she’s got.

4.11.03, 5:30 p.m.: Kate and Ben mess around on the beach for a while before having dinner at the Sunset Bistro for their last night. Kate is especially amused by the photo she had Ben take of her posing with the word "EMAW" written in the sand, which she will send to her mother for entertainment purposes. It’s just one of those inside jokes I just can’t let go of.

4.11.03, 6:08 p.m.: Ben gets started on his first Sunset Cooler.

4.11.03, 6:27 p.m.: Ben orders a second Sunset Cooler.

4.11.03, 7:09 p.m.: The guy at the next table keeps badgering the waitress about foods being on skewers. Apparently he wants his meal served on a skewer. Kate will spend the rest of the evening calling him Skewer Man.

4.11.03, 7:14 p.m.: Kate develops a sudden hankering for some fettucine alfredo on a skewer.

4.11.03, 7:19 p.m.: The sun sets rather unceremoniously due to some clouds on the horizon. Ben decides on another Sunset Cooler anyway.

4.11.03, 7:54 p.m.: Kate and Ben decide to lounge on some beach chairs and look at the stars.

4.11.03, 8:39 p.m.: Mmmmmm...beach hammock.

4.12.03, 9:01 a.m.: Kate and Ben eat Raisin Bran and watch more CNN.

4.13.03, 12:01 p.m.: Hey, they have a Sbarro at the Aruba airport! *groan*

4.13.03, 12:03 p.m.: A man in the airport gift shop points out some seahorse coffee mugs to his toddler son, saying, "Hey! Look at the pretty seahorses!" Kate’s seahorse reference-o-meter busts right to bits.

4.13.03, 7:13 p.m.: Kate and Ben enjoy a lovely dinner at the Atlanta Airport’s...wait for it...Sbarro. The revenge of the Sbarro gods is sweet.

4.14.03, 12:07 a.m.: Kate and Ben crash at the Baymont Inn in Rockford.

4.14.03, 1:03 p.m.: Home sweet home. Guess we missed a snowstorm while we were gone. What a pity. Kate heads to the ISU softball game, where there are no seahorses or Sunset Coolers. Dammit.