But it's the art of Cottage #1, my home sweet home for part of each August, that truly inspires deeper thought. Like when my mom and I are pounding back Cape Cods and Miller Brewing products and looking around the room, going: "Who the hell thought of that?" Which eventually leads to a new topic of discussion: "What is the ugliest thing in this cottage?" I've pondered, but I can't decide, so I'm asking for your help. Take a look at these doozies of candidates and cast your vote:
Candidate #1: The Glued Macaroni and Found Objects Octagon
This piece is hung above the sink in my kitchen, so that while I'm washing dishes I can stare and it and wonder things like "What the hell is that?" and "Is that a hair that accidentally got cememted in there with the garbanzo beans?" Also: "I wonder what the artist was thinking when he added the elbow macaroni. Is that an existential statement?"
Candidate #2: Someone Making a Perfectly Good Mirror Non-Functional by Painting Butterflies and Flowers and Girly Crap On It
This lovely piece is in my bedroom. The mirror in my bedroom is actually warped, so when I try to look at myself in it to see if the hairs on my head are straight and growing out of my scalp instead of my chin I sort of resemble the illegitimate test tube child of Michael Jackson and Sloth from the movie Goonies. It sure would be nice to have a mirror that works. Just to the right of it is one that appears to work (see photo above!). But there's a problem: Some jackass painted some ugly design on it and all I can see is maybe one eyeball at a time. So I guess I can't actually prove that I don't look like Michael Jackson and Sloth's test tube baby with a full Abraham Lincolnish beard. Yikes for me.
Candidate #3: Slice-o-Tree-Trunk With Ten Layers of Varnish
This piece hangs in the living room. It actually makes a better mirror than Candidate #2 in that this poor, defenseless slice of tree (or, acutally more likely, plastic reproduction of a slice of a tree trunk) has been coated in so much clear gunk that you can see your reflection in it during the daytime. It also has a scary river scene painted on it that looks nothing like anything in the vicinity of Rock Lake. Cute!
Candidate #4: Wood Ducks in a Multi-Colored Sky
Okay, at least I actually saw some wood ducks in the millpond while visiting Rock Lake, so this piece probably makes as much sense as any of the art in my cottage. This painting, which hangs above the really ugly and smelly couch in my living room is definitely ugly, but it probably doesn't deserve to be voted the worst piece of art in Cottage 1. Just saying is all.
Candidate #5: Home Sweet Home: Where Do I Even Begin?
When my mom was serving as room mother at Kingsley Elementary School lo those many years ago, she decided it might be fun to have the class play some "Victorian parlor games." So she checked out a book on the subject from our local public library. That's when we found the Flaming Raisin Grab for Kids. In short, the game involved: 1) filling a bucket with brandy; 2) putting raisins in it; and 3) setting it on fire. The excited young participants would all gather around to see who could grab the most flaming raisins from the bucket. Despite my wishes, we did not play this game at the 1986 Halloween party in Mrs. Sergeant's third grade class. But to this day I remember the rules and am waiting for my golden opportunity to play it so that I can fry off all my arm hair. Okay, so why am I telling you all this? Back to the art! Even though it doesn't really make sense, every time I look at this piece of artwork I wonder to myself if later maybe someone will wheel in a flaming bucket of brandy-soaked raisins so this family can play Flaming Raisin Grab. They just seem like they might play it. Probably whoever painted this cozy Family Scene on Planks of Fake Wood would, too. Because he or she is on crack.
Candidate #6: Okay, so it's Not Art, But it's a Really Fugly Valance
Wow, this is lovely. It really completes the look of the bathroom. I get to look at it while I sit on the toilet. Coincidence? I think not.
Well, there you have it. The nominees for Ugliest Thing in My Cottage 2006. Let's open the polls. If you live in Florida and vote for the crappy butterfly mirror, I'll know you really meant the slice of fake tree with river scene. Or Katherine Harris' eye makeup. Ya know.
