Saturday, May 18, 2013

Fears for tears

One of the biggest adjustments I’ve had to make along the parenting journey is the shift from believing my child’s cries always mean there’s something I need to fix to realizing that sometimes his cries are his way of trying to fix himself. Trust me, it’s been a bumpy road. “If your baby isn’t crying, that means all his needs are met” is what the books and websites like to say.  So yes, happy sigh. My child is sleeping/eating/playing peacefully, so I am an awesome mom who very successfully meets her child’s needs for at least 15 to 20 minutes. But it’s also easy to interpret that statement as “if your baby is crying, you’re doing something wrong.” Which is exactly what I did for a long time.

As I’ve mentioned before, I am not a fan of picking a “parenting style” and getting involved in mommy wars and saying that one way of doing things is better than the other. But I have read books and blogs based on different “styles,” so some of that information obviously seeped into my brain as I was reading it. Attachment parenting enthusiasts love to trumpet Dr. William Sears’ “excessive crying causes brain damage” claims that have been widely revealed as a misinterpretation of a scientific study and even prompted the journal Pediatrics to issue a policy statement.

But many parents take The Baby Book and other Sears publications as gospel, and they’re making themselves sick trying to stop every crying episode. It’s pretty preposterous when you think about it, really. Making parents believe that crying is harmful to children is just another scare tactic that makes already nervous parents even more insane.

As I’ve progressed in my comfort with parenting, I’ve paid close attention to the idea that my child is a whole person who isn’t that different from me but who has far fewer options for expressing emotions than I do (cross venting on a blog off the list). He has legitimate feelings and has no other way to express them than through fairly primitive displays. Acknowledging my child’s feelings, relating to them, and, if applicable, trying to offer a solution, helps him process the issue and move on far faster than does telling him “he’s okay” and waving a toy in his face to distract him. What does a child learn about human interaction when an adult sends such confusing signals back when he attempts to express himself? If an adult falls down and hurts himself or is crying over an ended relationship, do other adults rush over to explain to that person that the situation is not worth getting upset and saying, “here, do you want a baseball?"

So while a child may be crying over something that seems silly to you, I have come to believe that it is still important for the child's development to handle the situation respectfully. A child’s universe is more narrow than ours, and he hasn’t had the opportunity to develop the perspective an adult has. A stuffed toy being taken away may have the same gravity for a child as a burglary does for an adult. And how would you feel if you desperately wanted to communicate something but didn’t know how to talk? It could be frustrating to the point of tears.

So yes, a toddler’s crying is annoying and upsetting to adults. It certainly is to me. But by taking a moment to realize that the English translation of my son’s cries is “I am frustrated and need help,” it has become easier for me to communicate with him. And I look forward to the day we can have a conversation, because it’s coming soon.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day Brunch

My birthday has always been on or right around Mother's Day, so while it was a special first Mother's Day for my mom in the hospital, she's had to share her day with me ever since. Usually, this sharing came in the form of her cleaning the house, preparing food, and throwing a big party for the family on Mother's Day weekend when she was supposed to be relaxing. Then my brother started dating, and went on to marry, a May 8 baby and the birthday/Mother's Day weekend started turning into birthday/birthday/Mother's Day weekend. But my mom insists that it was never a burden and that it was always a fun weekend for the family to get together and celebrate. It's true: We all had fun. After the Saturday party, the family's men typically got together on Sunday morning and cooked breakfast for everyone. It was great.

Since my parents moved from my childhood home, this tradition has kind of fallen by the wayside. We still celebrate the birthdays (yes, I'm 35 and my mommy still throws me a birthday party), but what to do about Mother's Day is still to be decided. Since we just moved to our new home and I was excited to see just how many people our dining room would accommodate, I volunteered to cook everyone brunch. Yes, I enjoy working in the kitchen. Even on Mother's Day when I am supposed to be relaxing. Apparently it's genetic.

So this morning was great fun -- my aunt and cousin were even here from Illinois. (Another cousin graduated from Iowa State yesterday.) And everyone loved seeing the new house and eating brunch goodies and playing basketball and peek-a-boo with my endlessly fascinated little boy.

I do love moms. There's my mom, who is now an awesome grandma. And my grandmother. And my mother-in-law. In general, moms are the coolest. And they were all here today eating sausage & red pepper strata, ginger sour cream coffee cake, baby carrots, arugula salad, and...oh! I found a great recipe to share with you!

It is a little crazy to try a new recipe for a crowd of 12, but I'm adventurous. Plus, the recipe came from Ina Garten, who can do no wrong. So it was yummy, easy, and a delicious salad/dessert addition to a brunch.


FRUIT SALAD WITH LIMONCELLO

7 oz. plain Greek yogurt
1/3 c. good bottled lemon curd
1 T. honey
1/4 tsp. pure vanilla extract
2 c. sliced strawberries
1 c. raspberries
1 c. blueberries
2 T. sugar
3 T. limoncello liqueur
1 banana, sliced
Fresh mint

For the lemon yogurt topping, whisk together the yogurt, lemon curd, honey, and vanilla and set aside at room temperature.

For the fruit salad, carefully toss together the strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, sugar, and limoncello. Allow them to stand at room temperature for about 5 minutes to let the berries maceate with the sugar and liqueur. Gently fold the banana into the mixture and sprinkle with mint.

Serve bowls of fruit with a dollop of lemon yogurt on top.

 
Speaking of dollops, here's a dollop of cute for you -- the one who makes me happy on Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day to all!


Thursday, May 02, 2013

Screen-free-ish?


So it's Screen-Free Week and I'm obviously not participating since I'm sitting here blogging in the middle of it. I am actually not sure we live in a world where people can go "screen-free" for a whole week anymore, and that makes me sad. But God bless them for trying.

Even though things like work and ordering toddler ankle socks and trying to figure out why in the name of bleepity frick it's snowing in May kinda prevent me from staying off the computer and TV for a week, I do wholeheartedly appreciate the concept of Screen-Free Week. Outside of our bedtime ritual of watching Wheel of Fortune together, I try to keep my son away from television (he only really pays attention when someone buys his favorite letter, E, anyway). But I still watch a lot of Food Network and surf the Web on my computer and am definitely no poster child for a screen-free lifestyle by any stretch of the imagination. (It should, however, probably be noted that without screens I couldn't read beautiful blog posts like this one that makes my day and my life better. Thanks, Andrea Scher.)

Then again, most of what I'd lose by not having a screen is stuff that I never actually needed to know, like that I'm apparently supposed to have major hangups about pooping at the office. And imagine the snow shoveling I could be getting done right now if I wasn't watching a reality show about storage units or re-pinning a recipe for Mountain Dew & Doritos Cupcakes to an inspiration board.

Just today I was in a meeting with a smartphone application developer and, after asking lots of detailed questions about how an app is programmed that may have created the impression I knew what I was talking about, was awkwardly forced to admit I don't actually own one of the things. Yes, I'm weird. Yes, I still have a land line. Yes, I clung geekily to the same Nokia phone for about eight years. (And yes, I am thinking about dropping T-Mobile when my contact expires after learning about that whole forcing a pregnant employee to use her vacation time to pee fiasco. Non-evil wireless provider suggestion, anyone?)

It's just that I think smartphones are kind of rude. They always seem to be given priority 1 by their owners. (And since apparently more people own smartphones than toothbrushes, I guess I should add: 'No offense, almost everyone on Earth?'). There also hasn't been time to publish any thorough, peer-reviewed studies on the effects of staring at those things all the time. My personal study, conducted on the sample of me, found that 1 in 1 people want to vomit after looking at one of those things in the car for more than 90 seconds. And I guess I also just know my limits: I already spend too much time watching TV and being on my computer, so why do I want yet another device that encourages me to do both?

All this being said, I am sure it won't be too long before I am forced to join the masses and own a fancy phone, probably out of some sudden necessity to take a camera phone pic of a gummi bear and apply a filter to it that makes it look like it came out of that 1960 nuclear fallout shelter in Wisconsin. (Sorry, Instagram, I still don't understand you.) But you know, for now I will count my stubborn avoidance of smartphones as my own special way of celebrating Screen-Free (ish) Week.

What are you doing to celebrate?