Fit to be black tied

I realize that complaining about black tie fundraisers is the ultimate first-world problem, but I'm going to go ahead and do it anyway. And don't get me wrong: I love attending these and they're almost always for a good cause and I almost always have a good time. But seriously: the getting dressed part!

It started over the holidays in Memphis, when my family and friends began giving me crap for skipping the "Liberty Bowl Parade," which I've since only heard described as a hillbilly disaster, so that I could go back to the hotel and paint my toenails for the Liberty Bowl Gala to which I needed to wear open-toed shoes.

The irony, of course, is that I am one of the least girly/primpy types in the world. The fact that I would ever miss anything remotely sports related for anything remotely grooming related is itself a wonder. But indeed toenail painting is just one of the many activities that must be done, because...

• Inappropriate footwear is the first essential ingredient in a female black tie ensemble. Would men walk out in the snow in open-toed shoes? No. Because that would be stupid -- kind of like me shuffling through a snowdrift in strappy sandals last Saturday night. Flat shoes are also inappropriate, so after you regain the feeling in your feet from walking through a snowdrift you can use them to stand on concrete socializing for several hours in pain, trying not to look like a 4-year-old boy who has to pee. 
• You must spend all night carrying random items in a "bag" with no handles. Husband needs to take along his wallet? Sure! Just throw it in this highly practical "evening bag," which is not at all a bag but actually a fabric box that you must shove under your sweaty armpit all night or hold awkwardly in your hand -- sometimes with a mixed drink balanced on it.
• Only the men get to wear a full outfit of clothes. Men don't have to think before getting dressed for a formal event (save the approximate 45 minutes my husband says it takes him to tie a bow tie), and they don't have to be cold because they get to wear pants, socks, and even a jacket. Women are supposed to wear dresses and be cold so that men can give them their jackets. This arrangement would not work in a combat situation. I'm just saying.
• Women have to wear something different to every event, thus requiring shopping. That being said, last Saturday night I literally wore a dress I bought for $8 at a Dillards clearance sale in 1999. Take that, The Man.

I'm pretty sure men rule the world because, while they are networking at events, their wives are having a seat in the corner and rubbing their aching, painted toes.

But hey, you can probably fit a foot massager in your clutch if you try hard enough.