This occurred at approximately 7:30 a.m. Wednesday at the flaky Ames Starbucks:
Starbucks employee, shouting into the intercom before I am even pulled up all the way to the shout box: Well, well, how are we this morning?
Me: Um...I'm fine. (Reluctantly:) How are you?
Starbucks employee: We are doing very well on this fine Wednesday morning.
This very pretentious use of "we" has already thoroughly irritated me, long before the employee even gets to the part where he starts confusing me for a man and foisting unwanted banana bread on me. See below.
Me: Uh. That's good.
Starbucks employee: Hey, have you tried our new skinny lattes? They are quite delicious and come in a variety of flavors. I can get one for you in any size, sir.
Sir? Seriously? Have you ever heard my voice? I sound like a lot of things, but I don't sound like a man.
Me (completely caught off-guard): What? No. I, uhm, I just want a grande regular coffee. Black. Please.
Starbucks employee: We also have a blend from Guatemala and a ramalamadingdong brew and someotherwhatchyamacallit brew.
Me: Okay, fine. (Jeebus.) Give me the Guatemalan coffee.
I've been to Guatemala, I reason, and they do have delicious coffee.
Starbucks employee: All right then; what size?
I hate it when they are so immersed in the concept of suggestive selling and cross-promotional hoopla that they fail to listen to you. And when I say "they" and "you," I mean "we."
Me: That was a grande.
I've gotten over my phobia of calling it "grande," but I still don't like it. Just shoot me if I ever start saying "We'd like a grande," though.
Starbucks employee: Did you want cream and sugar?
Me: Nope!
Didn't I also already say "black?" Ugh.
Starbucks employee: Can I get you anything else?
Me: No...
Starbucks employee: How about a piece of banana bread?
At this point, I seriously want to kill this guy. Doesn't he realize I haven't had MY COFFEE yet this morning?
Me: NO, THANK YOU!
The good news for the guy who took my order is that he was not also manning the drive-thru window. Instead I gave my money to a woman with dyed black hair who didn't speak. But it was good Guatemalan coffee. I'll give them that.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Anatomy of the world's worst college bowl picks
The law of averages would suggest that one has a 50 percent chance of correctly selecting the winner of a given college bowl game, even if one has no knowledge whatsoever of college football and blindly guesses the outcome. Why, then, do you suppose it is that I have been correct on less than half of this year's games? I now submit, for your entertainment and education, an actual example of how a person can do THIS poorly in a college bowl pick'em. It's scary, I know...
Poinsettia Bowl, Navy* vs. Utah -- I picked the Midshipmen here. They only lost by a field goal, but I was still wrong. I think the logic was related to the fact that Navy had killed Army in the last game of the season, but I don't really know what I was thinking. 0-1.
New Orleans Bowl, Memphis* vs. Florida Atlantic -- You guessed it, I picked Memphis. I need to remember that, when you don't really know which team to pick YOU ALWAYS PICK THE FLORIDA SCHOOL. 0-2.
Papajohns.com Bowl, Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati* -- Here's where I made my big rebound and finally got one right. 1-2.
New Mexico Bowl, Nevada vs. New Mexico* -- Okay, that one was easy. Of course you pick New Mexico to win the NEW MEXICO Bowl. 2-2 at this point.
Las Vegas Bowl, UCLA* vs. BYU -- I almost lucked into being correct on this one, but UCLA was a stupid pick. I think I had an over-inflated opinion of the Pac-10 (See disastrous Holiday Bowl pick below.) 2-3.
Hawai'i Bowl, Boise State* vs. East Carolina -- Okay, NO ONE picked ECU. Give me a break on this one. 2-4.
Motor City Bowl, Purdue vs. Central Michigan* -- I picked Central Michigan. Oops. I think proximity to home and my tendency to think the Big Ten is too slow to win bowl games resulted in my wrong choice here. Also, I forgot Brian Kelly didn't coach CMU anymore. Okay, I didn't -- but it sounds like a good excuse. 2-5.
Holiday Bowl, Arizona State* vs. Texas -- Wrong again. I picked ASU because all I heard about all year was how wonderful they were. I will also take the liberty here of using the excuse that I was in Italy when Iowa State played Texas and was unable to witness for myself exactly how bad they annihilated us. I'm an idiot; 2-6.
Champs Sports Bowl, Boston College* vs. Michigan State -- The general strategy of picking against the Big Ten pays off here as I move to an impressive 3-6.
Texas Bowl, TCU* vs. Houston -- I think the fact that I mentally associate TCU with Texas Bowl victories, seeing whereas it earned one against my team in 2005 (boo), led me to the correct choice. Hot damn! 4-6! P.S. If I never hear TCU's train whistle again it will be too soon.
Emerald Bowl, Maryland vs. Oregon State* -- The fact that I watched the Beavers beat the Ducks at the end of the season probably made me think they were better than they actually are, but I did correctly guess that they would take down the Turtles. Also, I am a resident of Beaverdale and have a sweet foam Oregon State beaver hat, so I felt an obligation to select the Beavs. Just saying. 5-6...creeping up on .500!
Meineke Car Care Bowl, Connecticut* vs. Wake Forest -- I know Jim Grobe is a fantastic coach, but I let emotion get in the way of my pick as my friend's nephew is the UConn QB. I picked the Huskies and paid the price. 5-7.
Liberty Bowl, Central Florida* vs. Mississippi State -- I thought picking Florida schools was supposed to be a good strategy. Bah. 5-8.
Alamo Bowl, Penn State* vs. Texas A&M -- Finally. A bowl that I felt confident about picking and ended up being correct about. All was right with the world on December 29. Maybe I will be right again by next Dec. 29. Sigh. 6-8.
Independence Bowl, Colorado* vs. Alabama -- Ray, when someone asks you if you Colorado is going to overcome Dan Hawkins and win a football game you say NO. I would just like to say in my own defense that this was a stupid game. 6-9.
Armed Forces Bowl, California* vs. Air Force -- To be honest, I thought I had picked Air Force until I looked on my pick sheet and saw that I was accidentally correct. Go me. 7-9.
Humanitarian Bowl, Georgia Tech* vs. Fresno State -- I can honestly say I have no idea what I was thinking when I picked Georgia Tech. 7-10.
Sun Bowl, South Florida* vs. Oregon -- Who actually knew that Oregon's replacement for Dennis Dixon was going to be halfway decent? Not this chick. 7-11.
Music City Bowl, Insight Bowl, Chick-fil-A Bowl, Outback Bowl, Cotton Bowl, and Gator Bowl -- I got SIX BOWLS IN A ROW correct! The strategy here was to pick three Big 12 teams and three SEC teams as these are in my opinion the best two conferences in the country this year. I am thoroughly impressed with myself. 13-11!
Capital One Bowl, Florida* vs. Michigan -- This was not my fault. Good for Lloyd Carr, I guess. 13-12.
Rose Bowl, Illinois vs. USC* -- To quote my brother on Christmas to our Illini-fan relatives: "I give them a 3 percent chance." I don't believe there was anyone in America who disagreed with that assessment, including Illinois fans. 14-12, but did I really deserve a point for that?
Sugar Bowl, Hawai'i* vs. Georgia -- This was probably my stupidest pick. Why I got suckered into believing that Hawai'i had a good shot here I do not know. I award me no points, and may God have mercy on my soul. 14-13.
Fiesta Bowl, Oklahoma* vs. West Virginia -- I hate you, Oklahoma. 14-14.
Orange Bowl, Kansas vs. Virginia Tech* -- This one really makes me kick myself. I was one of Kansas' biggest defenders all year. I said I thought they'd win 3 of 5 against Missouri because they have a better defense and speculated that they would have beaten OU in the Big 12 title game. Yet, what do I do on the bowl picks? Let the skeptics get inside my head and pick Virginia Tech. Second dumbest pick. 14-15.
With three games to go, I am counting on Rutgers, Bowling Green, and LSU. Since Rutgers and LSU are both heavily favored, I have a chance to finish 16-16. But I'm not holding my breath. Attaining mediocrity is not my strong suit.
Poinsettia Bowl, Navy* vs. Utah -- I picked the Midshipmen here. They only lost by a field goal, but I was still wrong. I think the logic was related to the fact that Navy had killed Army in the last game of the season, but I don't really know what I was thinking. 0-1.
New Orleans Bowl, Memphis* vs. Florida Atlantic -- You guessed it, I picked Memphis. I need to remember that, when you don't really know which team to pick YOU ALWAYS PICK THE FLORIDA SCHOOL. 0-2.
Papajohns.com Bowl, Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati* -- Here's where I made my big rebound and finally got one right. 1-2.
New Mexico Bowl, Nevada vs. New Mexico* -- Okay, that one was easy. Of course you pick New Mexico to win the NEW MEXICO Bowl. 2-2 at this point.
Las Vegas Bowl, UCLA* vs. BYU -- I almost lucked into being correct on this one, but UCLA was a stupid pick. I think I had an over-inflated opinion of the Pac-10 (See disastrous Holiday Bowl pick below.) 2-3.
Hawai'i Bowl, Boise State* vs. East Carolina -- Okay, NO ONE picked ECU. Give me a break on this one. 2-4.
Motor City Bowl, Purdue vs. Central Michigan* -- I picked Central Michigan. Oops. I think proximity to home and my tendency to think the Big Ten is too slow to win bowl games resulted in my wrong choice here. Also, I forgot Brian Kelly didn't coach CMU anymore. Okay, I didn't -- but it sounds like a good excuse. 2-5.
Holiday Bowl, Arizona State* vs. Texas -- Wrong again. I picked ASU because all I heard about all year was how wonderful they were. I will also take the liberty here of using the excuse that I was in Italy when Iowa State played Texas and was unable to witness for myself exactly how bad they annihilated us. I'm an idiot; 2-6.
Champs Sports Bowl, Boston College* vs. Michigan State -- The general strategy of picking against the Big Ten pays off here as I move to an impressive 3-6.
Texas Bowl, TCU* vs. Houston -- I think the fact that I mentally associate TCU with Texas Bowl victories, seeing whereas it earned one against my team in 2005 (boo), led me to the correct choice. Hot damn! 4-6! P.S. If I never hear TCU's train whistle again it will be too soon.
Emerald Bowl, Maryland vs. Oregon State* -- The fact that I watched the Beavers beat the Ducks at the end of the season probably made me think they were better than they actually are, but I did correctly guess that they would take down the Turtles. Also, I am a resident of Beaverdale and have a sweet foam Oregon State beaver hat, so I felt an obligation to select the Beavs. Just saying. 5-6...creeping up on .500!
Meineke Car Care Bowl, Connecticut* vs. Wake Forest -- I know Jim Grobe is a fantastic coach, but I let emotion get in the way of my pick as my friend's nephew is the UConn QB. I picked the Huskies and paid the price. 5-7.
Liberty Bowl, Central Florida* vs. Mississippi State -- I thought picking Florida schools was supposed to be a good strategy. Bah. 5-8.
Alamo Bowl, Penn State* vs. Texas A&M -- Finally. A bowl that I felt confident about picking and ended up being correct about. All was right with the world on December 29. Maybe I will be right again by next Dec. 29. Sigh. 6-8.
Independence Bowl, Colorado* vs. Alabama -- Ray, when someone asks you if you Colorado is going to overcome Dan Hawkins and win a football game you say NO. I would just like to say in my own defense that this was a stupid game. 6-9.
Armed Forces Bowl, California* vs. Air Force -- To be honest, I thought I had picked Air Force until I looked on my pick sheet and saw that I was accidentally correct. Go me. 7-9.
Humanitarian Bowl, Georgia Tech* vs. Fresno State -- I can honestly say I have no idea what I was thinking when I picked Georgia Tech. 7-10.
Sun Bowl, South Florida* vs. Oregon -- Who actually knew that Oregon's replacement for Dennis Dixon was going to be halfway decent? Not this chick. 7-11.
Music City Bowl, Insight Bowl, Chick-fil-A Bowl, Outback Bowl, Cotton Bowl, and Gator Bowl -- I got SIX BOWLS IN A ROW correct! The strategy here was to pick three Big 12 teams and three SEC teams as these are in my opinion the best two conferences in the country this year. I am thoroughly impressed with myself. 13-11!
Capital One Bowl, Florida* vs. Michigan -- This was not my fault. Good for Lloyd Carr, I guess. 13-12.
Rose Bowl, Illinois vs. USC* -- To quote my brother on Christmas to our Illini-fan relatives: "I give them a 3 percent chance." I don't believe there was anyone in America who disagreed with that assessment, including Illinois fans. 14-12, but did I really deserve a point for that?
Sugar Bowl, Hawai'i* vs. Georgia -- This was probably my stupidest pick. Why I got suckered into believing that Hawai'i had a good shot here I do not know. I award me no points, and may God have mercy on my soul. 14-13.
Fiesta Bowl, Oklahoma* vs. West Virginia -- I hate you, Oklahoma. 14-14.
Orange Bowl, Kansas vs. Virginia Tech* -- This one really makes me kick myself. I was one of Kansas' biggest defenders all year. I said I thought they'd win 3 of 5 against Missouri because they have a better defense and speculated that they would have beaten OU in the Big 12 title game. Yet, what do I do on the bowl picks? Let the skeptics get inside my head and pick Virginia Tech. Second dumbest pick. 14-15.
With three games to go, I am counting on Rutgers, Bowling Green, and LSU. Since Rutgers and LSU are both heavily favored, I have a chance to finish 16-16. But I'm not holding my breath. Attaining mediocrity is not my strong suit.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Dear People from Other States:
I understand why you may not like Iowa's first-in-the-nation caucuses. I can respect the arguments for modifying the process. A civilized debate about this is important and should continue, as far as I'm concerned.
What I do not appreciate are the baseless attacks on my state. PLEASE stop calling us idiots standing in corners who are unqualified to select candidates. Anyone who would make such a statement is clearly not any more qualified to stand in the corner of a school gymnasium than I am. When exactly did our little purple state become a haven for the uneducated? And when did the rest of the country become so thoroughly uneducated about Iowa, for that matter? Iowans, for the most part, think independently and critically and are motivated by the same things the rest of the country's population is motivated by. One defining difference may be that Iowans are exceedingly humble; indeed this attribute is both a blessing and a curse (a curse in that it makes others quite convinced that there is definitely nothing special about us). So while as an Iowan I may be somewhat humble and maybe a little behind on the fashion trends, last time I checked my body was not covered in scales nor were there antennae protruding from my scalp.
National Public Radio interviewed a woman from Clinton, Iowa, who went to see every candidate, Republican and Democratic, before deciding to support John Edwards in the Iowa Caucus. How can you question her commitment to researching her decision? Iowans read the candidates' books; we attend their presentations and share meals with them; we ask them questions; and we take (well, sometimes we let it roll to answering machine...) their hundreds upon hundreds (upon hundreds) of phone calls. The amount of time, energy, and mental anguish I devoted to the process of deciding whom to support in the caucus this year deserves a little more respect than people calling me an ignorant hick. I have stood in rooms in which I could barely move my arms, praying the entire time that I didn't have a claustrophobic panic attack, to hear candidates. I have sat in 100 degree heat and stood in below zero wind chills. On the same NPR program, I heard about a man who got special permission from the hospital to discharge his ailing 87-year-old wife for the evening so she could caucus for Hillary Clinton. We are not playing around out here; while you may not like our choices, you should respect our dedication to the process. It's there. Trust me.
Sometimes I wonder if those critics on the coasts understand how much information we're armed with in the decision-making process. Perhaps they think we're making our selections based on watching the same talking head television programs or reading the newspapers that are their only source of candidate information. Learning about the candidates is an intensive experience in Iowa.
As I was walking into a post-caucus party last night, an older black gentleman put his arm around me, a younger white woman, and told me simply how proud he was to be an Iowan.
So on a Friday morning in my little corner of the hayseed metropolis, I, too, am proud to be an Iowan. PROUD, I tell you.
How's that for humble?
On to New Hampshire!
What I do not appreciate are the baseless attacks on my state. PLEASE stop calling us idiots standing in corners who are unqualified to select candidates. Anyone who would make such a statement is clearly not any more qualified to stand in the corner of a school gymnasium than I am. When exactly did our little purple state become a haven for the uneducated? And when did the rest of the country become so thoroughly uneducated about Iowa, for that matter? Iowans, for the most part, think independently and critically and are motivated by the same things the rest of the country's population is motivated by. One defining difference may be that Iowans are exceedingly humble; indeed this attribute is both a blessing and a curse (a curse in that it makes others quite convinced that there is definitely nothing special about us). So while as an Iowan I may be somewhat humble and maybe a little behind on the fashion trends, last time I checked my body was not covered in scales nor were there antennae protruding from my scalp.
National Public Radio interviewed a woman from Clinton, Iowa, who went to see every candidate, Republican and Democratic, before deciding to support John Edwards in the Iowa Caucus. How can you question her commitment to researching her decision? Iowans read the candidates' books; we attend their presentations and share meals with them; we ask them questions; and we take (well, sometimes we let it roll to answering machine...) their hundreds upon hundreds (upon hundreds) of phone calls. The amount of time, energy, and mental anguish I devoted to the process of deciding whom to support in the caucus this year deserves a little more respect than people calling me an ignorant hick. I have stood in rooms in which I could barely move my arms, praying the entire time that I didn't have a claustrophobic panic attack, to hear candidates. I have sat in 100 degree heat and stood in below zero wind chills. On the same NPR program, I heard about a man who got special permission from the hospital to discharge his ailing 87-year-old wife for the evening so she could caucus for Hillary Clinton. We are not playing around out here; while you may not like our choices, you should respect our dedication to the process. It's there. Trust me.
Sometimes I wonder if those critics on the coasts understand how much information we're armed with in the decision-making process. Perhaps they think we're making our selections based on watching the same talking head television programs or reading the newspapers that are their only source of candidate information. Learning about the candidates is an intensive experience in Iowa.
As I was walking into a post-caucus party last night, an older black gentleman put his arm around me, a younger white woman, and told me simply how proud he was to be an Iowan.
So on a Friday morning in my little corner of the hayseed metropolis, I, too, am proud to be an Iowan. PROUD, I tell you.
How's that for humble?
On to New Hampshire!
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