Fears for tears

One of the biggest adjustments I’ve had to make along the parenting journey is the shift from believing my child’s cries always mean there’s something I need to fix to realizing that sometimes his cries are his way of trying to fix himself. Trust me, it’s been a bumpy road. “If your baby isn’t crying, that means all his needs are met” is what the books and websites like to say.  So yes, happy sigh. My child is sleeping/eating/playing peacefully, so I am an awesome mom who very successfully meets her child’s needs for at least 15 to 20 minutes. But it’s also easy to interpret that statement as “if your baby is crying, you’re doing something wrong.” Which is exactly what I did for a long time.

As I’ve mentioned before, I am not a fan of picking a “parenting style” and getting involved in mommy wars and saying that one way of doing things is better than the other. But I have read books and blogs based on different “styles,” so some of that information obviously seeped into my brain as I was reading it. Attachment parenting enthusiasts love to trumpet Dr. William Sears’ “excessive crying causes brain damage” claims that have been widely revealed as a misinterpretation of a scientific study and even prompted the journal Pediatrics to issue a policy statement.

But many parents take The Baby Book and other Sears publications as gospel, and they’re making themselves sick trying to stop every crying episode. It’s pretty preposterous when you think about it, really. Making parents believe that crying is harmful to children is just another scare tactic that makes already nervous parents even more insane.

As I’ve progressed in my comfort with parenting, I’ve paid close attention to the idea that my child is a whole person who isn’t that different from me but who has far fewer options for expressing emotions than I do (cross venting on a blog off the list). He has legitimate feelings and has no other way to express them than through fairly primitive displays. Acknowledging my child’s feelings, relating to them, and, if applicable, trying to offer a solution, helps him process the issue and move on far faster than does telling him “he’s okay” and waving a toy in his face to distract him. What does a child learn about human interaction when an adult sends such confusing signals back when he attempts to express himself? If an adult falls down and hurts himself or is crying over an ended relationship, do other adults rush over to explain to that person that the situation is not worth getting upset and saying, “here, do you want a baseball?"

So while a child may be crying over something that seems silly to you, I have come to believe that it is still important for the child's development to handle the situation respectfully. A child’s universe is more narrow than ours, and he hasn’t had the opportunity to develop the perspective an adult has. A stuffed toy being taken away may have the same gravity for a child as a burglary does for an adult. And how would you feel if you desperately wanted to communicate something but didn’t know how to talk? It could be frustrating to the point of tears.

So yes, a toddler’s crying is annoying and upsetting to adults. It certainly is to me. But by taking a moment to realize that the English translation of my son’s cries is “I am frustrated and need help,” it has become easier for me to communicate with him. And I look forward to the day we can have a conversation, because it’s coming soon.